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Hobgoblins & Eskimos - Brought To You With Blood, Sweat, Tears And Alcohol. In appropriate proportions.

Eskimo

Hello and welcome to the Eskimo page of Hobgoblins & Eskimos. Before any of you email me to complain, I am aware that Eskimo can be considered to be an insulting term for an Inuit, but I like the sound of the word and I couldn't think of anything else to call it, so I don't really care what anyone else thinks. I apologise if I may sound harsh and uncaring, but I assure you that under this hard, sinister exterior, lies a heart of coldest stone.

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The Legal Stuff

Eskimo is mostly devoted to movies - my personal passion. Yes, I am a film lover. Sometimes I'm referred to as a "film-buff", or sometimes as "just plain sad". I don't like to think about how much of my hard-earned wealth I've spent on videos and DVDs; but to save you some money, I'm going to share my expertise* with you. *Note: Expertise in this context is nothing more than my opinion.

I'm going to bring you reviews, guides and (when I can) news. I'm afraid that so far I am yet to receive any invitations to major festivals, events and award ceremonies (subtle hint to any influential people out there), so these won't really be covered.

My reviews work as follows: I'll give you some background to the production (when I can), a small cast list and in most cases, a synopsis of the plot. You won't see any point system or stars (unless I get inundated with requests, in which case I'll do it just to shut you all up), because these annoy the hell out of me. Personally, I don't think you can put every single film in existance on the same scale and not expect major contradictions. Can you compare something like Pulp Fiction to The Lion King? Yes they might both be fantastic films in their own way, but how in the name of Luc Besson are you meant to measure them against each other? Different films are aimed at different audiences, kids react totally differently to kill-crazy teenagers. So I'll try to give you as balanced a view as possible, avoiding bias wherever I can. Apart from Grease - I hate that film.

Another feature I'll be introducing is the "How To Bluff Your Way In..." section. This is for the kind of people (and you know who you are) who will enter any conversation, without a bloody clue what they're talking about. These individuals are nearly always caught out at one point or another in their lives, resulting in the loss of whatever respect they may have scraped together. Hopefully these guides will help you to stay afloat in any film-based conversation, whilst keeping as vague as humanly possible.

By entering this site, you are already legally bound to help with the following causes:

The destruction of all Robin William's work, other than selected episodes of Mork And Mindy.
The funding of a scientific project to combine the DNA of Alyson Hannigan and Kevin Smith, in order to create a race of super-beings with stunning good looks and incredible screenwriting skills.
The renunciation of Titanic's title as the highest grossing film of all time. The only reason it got there in the first place is because guys went to impress their dates & psychotic Leonardo DiCaprio fans went to see it 34 times each.
The introduction of the right to sue for lost time. I'm currently trying to claim back the two hours I lost during Mission: Impossible 2.
A legally binding contract which ensures the appearance of Jay & Silent Bob in every Hollywood comedy, to show the studios how it's done.
Re-education camps for everyone who thinks that high-budget Hollywood movies are better then independant films made on a shoestring, for the simple facts that they have bigger stars and cost more to make.
If I ever achieve my dream and write & direct my own film, you must watch it at the cinema at least once.
The instigation of compulsory showings of various Marx Brothers' films every six months. Just to prove that original ideas did exist at some point.
To encourage the use of the 'Buddy Christ' as a recognised and respected religious symbol.
The instatement of Blur's Song 2 as the new national anthem, as people only sing the chorus anyway, and at least this one'll be over in two minutes.
The abolition of romantic subplots in any action movie. They don't work, no-one cares about them and you know it.
The campaign to tell Steven Spielberg: "It's Not Big, And It's not clever."
The reduction of movie star's rights when it comes to influence on the production of the film. Take note Mr. Cruise.
The banning of L-shaped blankets in the movies.

Click on the link you want to visit:

Hobgoblins & Eskimos - back to our homepage. But you don't want to leave yet...

Hobgoblin - or, if you want to go straight to Sarah's pages, try this.

Film Reviews - the most comprehensive guide to films on this website.

^NEW!The Eskimo Awards - the alternative to the Oscars & BAFTAS

"How To Bluff Your Way In..." - helpful hints for those difficult questions.

Memorable Quotations - so far just some comedic ones, but the sky's the limit.

^NEW! 62 Things I Learned From Movies - some vital rules for you

_{Who The Hell Am I?}_{- either to help you
understand me, or to remind me after a particularly bad Friday
night.}

_{Video Summary}_{-
a list of & comments on every single film I own. It took me a
long time, so read.}