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BOARD WARS : EPISODE 1:THE PHANTOM POSTER
TITLE CARD : A few days ago on a server far, far away....
EPISODE 1 THE PHANTOM POSTER
Turmoil has engulfed the SWG Republic. The taxation of Spam routes to
outlaying star systems is in dispute.
Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the
greedy Spam Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of
Naboo.
While the congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two GAT God Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict.....
A LEGO CRUISER APPROACHES THE SMALL PLANET OF NABOO, WHICH IS SURROUNDED BY HUNDREDS OF SPAM FEDERATION BATTLESHIPS.
INT. LEGO CRUISER - COCKPIT
IN THE COCKPIT OF THE CRUISE, CAPTAIN DOURM AND THE PILOT MANOEUVRE CLOSER TO ONE OF THE BATTLESHIPS.
DARI-DIUM JINN: (off screen voice) Captain.
THE CAPTAIN TURNS TO AN UNSEEN FIGURE SITTING BEHIND HER.
DOURM : Yes, sir?
DARI-DIUM : (V.O) Tell them we wish to board at once.
DOURM : Yes, sir. (mutters) Frickin’ GAT Gods, a please wouldn’t hurt you pompous, bearded…
DOURM LOOKS TO HIS VIEW SCREEN, WHERE NENRO LAPOR, A NEIMOIDIAN SPAM VICEROY, WAITS FOR A REPLY.
DOURM : (cont'd) With all due respect for the Spam Federation, the
Ambassadors for the Supreme Chancellor wish to board immediately.
NENRO : Yes, yes, of coarse...ahhh...as you know, our blockade is perfectly legal, and we'd be happy to receive the Ambassador. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!
THE SCREEN GOES BLACK. OUT THE COCKPIT WINDOW, THE SINISTER BATTLESHIP
LOOMS EVER CLOSER.
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - DOCKING BAY - SPACE
A PROTOCOL DROID, MELGIB-14, WAITS AT THE DOOR TO THE DOCKING BAY.
THE DOOR OPENS, AND THE LEGO CRUISER CAN BE SEEN IN THE DOCKING BAY.
TWO DARKLY ROBED FIGURES ARE GREETED BY MELGIB-14.
MELGIB-14 : I'm MELGIB-14 at your service. This way, please.
DOURM: (offscreen) Even the damn droids have better manners…
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM
A DOOR SLIDES OPEN, AND THE TWO CLOAKED SHAPES ARE LED INTO THE
FORMAL CONFERENCE ROOM BY MELGIB-14.
MELGIB-14 : I hope you honoured sirs with the most comfortable here. My master will be with you shortly.
THE TWO CLOAKED FIGURES LOWER THEIR HOODS TO REVEAL THEMSELVES AS DARI-DIUM JINN, A PAST-IT GAT GOD MASTER AND OBI-SON GOKUU, A BABY FACED PADAWAN WITH BAD HAIR.
OBI-SON : I have a bad feeling about this.
DARI-DIUM : That’s a surprise.
OBI-SON : It's not about the mission, Master, it's
something...elsewhere...elusive.
DARI-DIUM : You’re reading too many of those conspiracy threads. There aren’t any black X-Wings coming to get you Obi-Son. Keep your concentration here and now where it belongs.
OBI-SON : Master BaldBrit says I should be mindful of the future...
DARI-DIUM : Master BaldBrit says a lot of things, he’s 900 years old! We’re just lucky he doesn’t need the incontinence pads yet.
OBI-SON : Master, that visual will plague me for the rest of my days. How do you think the Spam viceroy will deal with
the chancellor's demands?
DARI-DIUM : These Federation types are just like the military - cowards. The negotiations will be short.
UNKNOWN TO THE GAT GODS, CAPTAIN DOURM HAS BEEN LISTENING TO THEIR CONVERSTION FROM OUTSIDE THE DOOR.
DOURM : Right! Sod ‘em! Those GAT Gods can walk back to Coruscant!
NENRO LAPOR and BRENT STARGAZER stand, stunned, before MELGIB-14.
NENRO : (shaken) What?!? What did you say?
MELGIB-14 : The Ambassadors are GAT God Knights, I believe. Are you deaf as well as hideous?
STARGAZER : Don’t get arsey with me droid! There’s no earholes in this damn costume!
NENRO: What do we do with them? They’re here to kill us!
STARGAZER : I’m not afraid of no GAT God, I’ll go.
NENRO : Have you seen what they can do with their flamesabers? They take them and stick them right up…
STARGAZER : Send the droid! Send the droid!
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
MELGIB-14 ENTERS, CARRYING A SMALL TRAY OF DRINKS
OBI-SON LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW, ONLY TO SEE THEIR LEGO CRUISER FLY AWAY
OBI-SON : Master! Look!
DARI-DIUM RUNS OVER TO THE WINDOW.
DARI-DIUM : That damn Dourm, I knew I should’ve given him a bigger tip!
NOXIOUS GREEN GAS STARTS TO FILL THE ROOM
DAR-DIUM : Obi-Son!
OBI-SON : It wasn’t me master…
DAR-DIUM : No, hold your breath!
OBI-WAN : (muttering) Oh, and here was me clamouring to suck up the poison, the man’s a genius…
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE CONFERENCE ROOM
A HOLOGRAM OF NENRO , SURROUNDED BY BATTLE DROIDS, APPEARS.
NENRO : They must be dead by now. Blast, what's left of them.
The hologram fades off, as a BATTLE DROID, OWO-1, cautiously opens the
door. A deadly green cloud billows from the room. BATTLE DROIDS cock their weapons as a figure stumbles out of the smoke. It is MELGIB-14 , carrying the tray of drinks.
MELGIB-14 : Oh, excuse me, so sorry.
OWO-1 : Hey! Drinks!
THE BATTLE DROIDS HELP THEMSELVES TO THE TRAY, AND ARE TOO PREOCCUPIED TO NOTICE TWO FLAMESABERS IGNITE IN THE GREEN FOG.
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE
THE BRIDGE IS A CACOPHONY OF ALARMS. NENRO AND STARGAZER WATCH OWO-1 ON THE
VIEWSCREEN.
OWO-1 : They have big shiny swords! We’re doomed!
OWO-1 is suddenly cut in half in mid-sentence. STARGAZER gives NENRO a worried look.
STARGAZER : What in blazes is going on down there?
NENRO : Have you ever encountered a GAT God Knight before, sir?
STARGAZER : Well, not exactly, but I don't...(panicked) Seal off the bridge.
NENRO : That won't be enough! We’re screwed!
The doors to the bridge SLAM shut.
STARGAZER : I want destroyer droids up here at once!!!
NENRO : Oh yes, that’s sure to stop the GAT Gods!
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - HALLWAY - OUTSIDE BRIDGE
DARI-DIUM CUTS SEVERAL BATTLE DROIDS IN HALF, CREATING A SHOWER OF SPARKS AND METAL PARTS. OBI-SON RAISES HIS HAND, SENDING SEVERAL BATTLE DROIDS CRASHING INTO THE WALL.
OBI-SON : Hey Master! Look what I can do!
OBI-SON CONTINUES TO SMASH THE DROIDS AROUND
OBI-SON : That bully Kit Fisto won’t pick on me anymore!
DARI-DIUM MAKES HIS WAY TO THE BRIDGE DOOR AND BEGINS TO CUT THROUGH IT.
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE
NENRO : Close the blast doors!!!
THE HUGE, VERY THICK BLAST DOOR SLAMS SHUT, FOLLOWED BY A SECOND DOOR, THEN A THIRD. THERE IS A HISSING SOUND AS THE HUGE DOORS SEAL SHUT. DARI-DIUM TABS THE DOOR WITH HIS SWORD. THE SCREEN GOES BLACK AS A RED SPOT APPEARS IN THE CENTER OF THE BLAST DOOR.
STARGAZER : Holy crap! They’re still coming!
ON THE DOOR, CHUNKS OF MOLTEN METAL BEGIN TO DROP AWAY.
NENRO : Son of a…
STARGAZER : Where are those destroyer droids?!
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - HALLWAY - OUTSIDE BRIDGE
TEN UGLY DESTROYER DROIDS ROLL DOWN THE HALLWAY AT FULL SPEED. JUST BEFORE THEY GET TO THE BRIDGE AREA, THEY STOP AND TRANSFORM INTO THEIR BATTLE CONFIGURATION.
DARI-DIUM : Destroyer droids!
OBI-SON : Offhand, I'd say this mission is past the negotiation stage.
DARI-DIUM : You need to work on your sarcasm, my young Padawan learner.
THE DESTROYER DROIDS START FIRING AT THE GAT GODS, WHO DEFLECT THE SHOTS WITH THEIR FLAMESABERS.
OBI-SON : They have shields, Master!
DARI-DIUM : Let’s hope they lose that technology soon, or we’d be obsolete...
OBI-SON : What now?
DARI-DIUM : Run away!
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP – BRIDGE
STARGAZER : We have them on the run, they're no match for destroyer droids.
NENRO : I told you we’d be fine!
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - MAIN BAY
DARI-DIUM AND OBI-SON APPEAR AT A LARGE VENT IN A GIANT HANGER BAY. THEY ARE CAREFUL NOT TO BE SEEN. THOUSANDS OF BATTLE DROIDS ARE LOADING ONTO LANDING CRAFT.
DARI-DIUM : Battle droids.
OBI-SON : No sh*t.
DARI-DIUM : We've got to warn the Naboo and contact Chancellor Mcmlxxvi. Let's split up. Stow aboard separate ships and meet down on the planet.
OBI-SON : Is that wise Master? Surely we should stay together for safety?
DARI-DIUM : Well, yes. But your accent bugs the hell out of me.
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE
TEY HOW receives a transmission.
TEY HOW : Sir, a transmission from the planet.
STARGAZER : It's Queen Dancer herself.
NENRO : At frickin’ last.
ON THE VIEW SCREEN, QUEEN DANCER APPEARS IN HER THRONE ROOM. WEARING HER ELABORATE HEADDRESS AND ROBES, SHE SITS, SURROUNDED BY THE GOVERNING COUNCIL AND HER HANDMAIDENS.
NENRO : (stifles laugh) Nice hat.
DANCER : You will not be laughing when you hear what I have to say,
Viceroy...Your Spam boycott of our planet has ended.
NENRO : I was not aware of such a failure. And what’s up with your voice?
DANCER : We royalty are not allowed the luxury of variations in the tone of our voice. I'm aware the Chancellor's Ambassadors are with you now, and that you have been commanded to reach a settlement.
NENRO : Ambassadors? Can’t say I’ve noticed any ambassadors.
STARGAZER : Don’t you remember? The GAT Gods? All the trouble…
NENRO : (with forced smile) I’m sorry your majesty, this fool has been playing JKII all night, it’s started to become a problem
DANCER : Beware, Viceroy....the Federation is going too far this time.
NENRO : (laughs) But the Klingon Empire is doing just fine?
THE QUEEN FLIPS THEM THE BIRD AND THEN FADES OFF, AND THE VIEW SCREEN GOES BLACK.
STARGAZER : Do you think she suspects an attack?
NENRO : Don’t be a fool! That headgear is weighing too heavy on her head to let her think.
INT. NABOO PALACE - THRONE ROOM
THE QUEEN, EIRTAE, SACHE AND HER GOVERNOR, MASTERREEFT-BIBBLE, STAND BEFORE A HOLOGRAM OF SENATOR XAHN, A THIN, KINDLY MAN.
XAHN : The ambassadors aren’t there? How could that be true? I have assurances from the Chancellor...
THE HOLOGRAM OF PALPATIONE SPUTTERS AND FADES AWAY.
DANCER : Senator Xahn?!? Damn Windows 2000!
CAPTAIN D.M. ALA turns to his SARGEANT
CAPT. D.M. ALA : Check the transmission generators...
MASTERREEFT-BIBBLE : A malfunction?
CAPT. D.M. ALA : It could be the Federation jamming us. Your Highness.
MASTERREEFT-BIBBLE: A communications disruption can only mean one thing. Invasion. Either that, or the cable’s out.
DANCER : Don't jump to conclusions, Governor. The Federation would not
dare go that far.
CAPT. D.M. ALA : The Senate would revoke their Spam franchise, and they'd be finished.
DANCER : Actually, I’ve lost track of what’s going on. Why are they surrounding us again?
MASTERREEFT-BIBBLE : Taxation your majesty! They’re protesting about the Senate saying they’ve got to pay taxes. So they’re blockading us and they may attack. Actually, it doesn’t make much sense at all, does it?
CAPT. D.M. ALA : We should have listened to all those war threads! Our security volunteers will be no match against a battle-hardened Federation army.
DANCER : I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war.
MASTERREEFT-BIBBLE : Nice soundbite your majesty.
EXT. NABOO EDGE OF SWAMP / GRASS PLAINS - TWILIGHT (FX)
THE DROID INVASION FORCE MOVES OUT OF THE SWAMP AND ONTO A GRASSY PLAIN. SOLSIXXA-9, IN HIS TANK, LOOKS OUT OVER THE VAST ARMY MARCHING ACROSS THE ROLLING HILLS. A SMALL HOLOGRAM OF STARGAZER AND NENRO STANDS ON THE TANK.
STARGAZER : ...and there is no trace of the GAT Gods. They may have gotton onto one of your landing craft. Find them!
SOLSIXXA-9 : *BUZZ* Unit detects incorrect grammar. Please rephrase your request.
STARGAZER : We should never have let Kryz programme these things!
EXT. NABOO SWAMP - TWILIGHT
DARI-DIUM RUNS THROUGH THE STRANGE LANDSCAPE, GLANCING BACK TO SEE THE
MONSTROUS TROOP TRANSPORTS, EMERGING FROM THE MIST. ANIMALS BEGIN TO RUN PAST HIM IN A PANIC.
A GUNGAN, STAR-STAR BINKS, STANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOREST, WATCHING THE STAMPEDE AND TANKS BEARING DOWN ON HIM.
STAR-STAR : Oh, noooooooooo! Hey, mesa lika dee beyards!
STAR-STAR JUMPS INTO DARI-DIUM, MAKING SURE TO GET SOME INAPPROPRIATE GROPES IN.
STAR-STAR : Hey, help me! Help me!!
DARI-DIUM : Eww! What are you? Some kind of frog?
THE MACHINE IS ABOUT TO CRUSH THEM AS DARI-DIUM DRAGS STAR-STAR BEHIND HIM.
JUST AS THE TRANSPORT IS ABOUT TO HIT THEM, DARI-DIUM DROPS, AND STAR-STAR IS PULLED AFTER HIM. THE TRANSPORT GOES HARMLESSLY OVERHEAD. WHEN IT IS GONE, STAR-STAR AND DARI-DIUM STAND BACK UP.
STAR-STAR : Oyi, mooie-mooie! I luv yous!
STAR-STAR KISSES THE GAT GOD.
DARI-DIUM : Hey! Hey! No tongues!
STAR-STAR : Mese luv yous long time!
DARI-DIUM : Get away from me!
DARI-DIUM STARTS TO MOVE OFF QUICKLY, AND STAR-STAR FOLLOWS.
STAR-STAR : No...no! Mesa stay...Mesa yous humble servaunt.
DARI-DIUM : No thanks, I’m not into that.
STAR-STAR : Oh boot tis! Tis demunded byda guds. Tis a live debett, tis. Mesa culled Star-Star Binks.
DARI-DIUM : I have no idea what you just said.
IN THE DISTANCE, TWO BATTLE DROIDS RIDING STAPS BURST OUT OF THE MIST AT HIGH SPEED, CHASING OBI-SON.
DARI-DIUM : I have no time for this now...
STAR-STAR : Say what?
THE TWO STAPS BARREL DOWN ON OBI-SON.
THE TWO TROOPS FIRE LASER BOLTS AT OBI-SON. DARI-DIUM DEFLECTS THE BOLTS BACK, AND THE STAPS BLOW UP.
OBI-SON : Damn it! Why didn’t I think of that?
DARI-DIUM : Because you’re a fool young Padawan.
STAR-STAR : Yousa saved my again, hey?
OBI-SON : What's this? And what’s wrong with it’s voice? It’s worse than Master BaldBrit!
DARI-DIUM : A local. Let's go, before more of those droids show up.
STAR-STAR : Mure? Mure did you spake??!?
OBI-SON : Can we kill it?
DARI-DIUM : I don’t see why not…
STAR-STAR : (quickly) Ex-squeeze me, but iffa yousa want place to hide, moto grande safe place would be Otoh Gunga. Tis where I grew up...Tis safe city.
THEY ALL STOP.
DARI-DIUM : A city! (STAR-STAR nods his head) Can you take us there?
OBI-SON : Wait Master! There may be others like him in this city!
DARI-DIUM : That’s a risk we’ll have to take. Besides, we can kill them all if we need to.
STAR-STAR : Ahhh, will...on second taut...no, not willy.
DARI-DIUM : No??!
STAR-STAR : Iss embarrissing, boot... My afrai my've bean banished. My
forgoten der Bosses would do terrible tings to my. Terrible tings if my
goen back dare.
A PULSATING SOUND IS HEARD IN THE DISTANCE.
DARI-DIUM : You hear that? That's the sound of a thousand terrible things heading this way...
STAR-STAR – Mesa nosa wurreed! Mese Isa goods at hi-a-ding!
OBI-SON : You see this? This is a fist capable of making your eyes external organs.
STAR-STAR : Oh! Yousa point is well seen. Dis way! Hurry!
STAR-STAR TURNS AND RUNS INTO THE SWAMP.
EXT. NABOO SWAMP LAKE - TWILIGHT
DARI-DIUM, OBI-SON AND STAR-STAR RUN INTO A MURKY LAKE AND STOP AS STAR-STAR TRIES TO CATCH HIS BREATH.
DARI-DIUM : Much farther?
STAR-STAR : Wesa goen underwater, okeyday?
DARI-DIUM AND OBI-SON PULL OUT SMALL CAPSULE FROM THEIR UTILITY BELTS.
STAR-STAR : Whatsa theya?
OBI-SON : Spark plugs.
DARI-DIUM : Ssh! They’re umm, special equipment.
STAR-STAR : My warning yous. Gungans no liken outlaunders. Don't expict a wern welcome.
OBI-SON : I can’t understand a word you’re saying. Can you start writing things down for us?
STAR-STAR JUMPS, INTO THE WATER.
SPARK PLUGS IN, DARI-DIUM AND OBI-SON WADE IN AFTER HIM.
EXT. NABOO LAKE - UNDERWATER
INT. OTOH GUNGA - CITY SQUARE
THE TRIO ENTER THROUGH A MAGICAL DOOR, AND EMERGE DRIPPING WET INTO THE CITY SQUARE. GUNGANS SCATTER WHEN THEY SEE THE STRANGE GAT GODS. FOUR GUARDS ARMED WITH LONG ELECTRO-POLES RIDE TWO-LEGGED KAADUS INTO THE SQUARE. THE GUARDS, LED BY CAPTAIN TEXALA, POINT THEIR LETHAL POLES AT THE DRIPPING TRIO.
STAR-STAR : Heyo-dalee, Cap'n Texala, Mesa back!
CAPT. TEXALA : Noah gain, Star-Star. Yousa goen tada Bosses. Yousa in big dudu this time.
DARI-DIUM : A city full of them. Wonderful.
OBI-SON : …so if those weird barrier things keep all the water out, how come we’re still wet when we come in?
CAPT. TEXALA gives STAR-STAR a slight zap with his power pole. STAR-STAR jumps and moves off, followed by the two GAT GODS.
STAR-STAR : How wude.
DARI-DIUM : Never mind wude, that’s police brutality!
INT. OTOH GUNGA - HIGH TOWER BOARD ROOM
GUNGAN OFFICIALS DOMINATES THE ROOM. OBI-SON AND DARI-DIUM STAND FACING BOSS RYDER, WHO SITS ON A BENCH HIGH ABOVE THEM.
BOSS RYDER : Yousa cannot bees hair. Dis army of mackineeks up dare tis new weesong!
DARI-DIUM : We must warn the Naboo.
BOSS RYDER : Wesa no like da Naboo! Un dey no like uss-ens. Da Naboo tink day so smarty den us-ens.
OBI-SON : Right now I’m inclined to agree…
BOSS RYDER : No, mesa no tink so. Mesa scant talkie witda Naboo, and no
nutten talkie it outlaunders. Dos mackineeks no comen here! Dey not know of uss-en.
AWKWARD SILENCE, SOME COURT OFFICIALS QUICKLY WRITE DOWN WHAT BOSS RYDER IS SAYING, AND THEN SHOW IT TO THE GAT GODS.
BOSS RYDER : Wesa wish no nutten in yousa tings, outlaunder, and wesa no care-n about da Naboo.
DARI-DIUM : Then speed us on our way.
BOSS RYDER : Wesa gonna speed yousaway.
DARI-DIUM : We need a transport.
BOSS RYDER : Wesa give yousa una bongo. Da speedest way tooda Naboo tis goen through da core. Now go.
DARI-DIUM : Thank you for your help. We go in peace.
DARI-DIUM and OBI-SON turn to leave.
OBI-SON : Master, did you use a GAT God mind trick?
DARI-DIUM : No young Padawan, telekinesis can be a more powerful tool when twisting someone’s groin from the other side of the room.
THE GAT GODS NOTICE STAR-STAR IN CHAINS TO ONE SIDE, WAITING TO HEAR HIS VERDICT. BOSS RYDER HOLDS HIS GROIN AND CALLS AFTER THE GAT GODS.
BOSS RYDER : But yoosa must taka dee Star-Star with you.
OBI-SON : Please no, Master.
DARI-DIUM : We'll need a navigator to get us through the planet's core. This Gungan my be of help.
OBI-SON : Damn.
STAR-STAR JOINS THE GAT GODS.
DARI-DIUM : Besides, there are a hundred nasty things out there, we may need a decoy.
INT. SUB COCKPIT - UNDERWATER
OBI-SON Sits IN THE CO-PILOTS SEAT, STAR-STAR GUIDES THE CRAFT. DARI-DIUM SITS BEHIND THEM, DRINKING A BEER.
OBI-SON : Why were you banished, Star-Star?
STAR-STAR : Tis a long tale, buta small part wawdabe
mesa...ooooh...aaaa.....clumsy.
OBI-SON : They banished you because you're clumsy?
DARI-DIUM : You tell us this now? Obi-Son – take the controls, quick!
SUDDENLY THERE IS A LOUD CRASH, AND THE LITTLE CRAFT LURCHES TO ONE SIDE. DARI-DIUM LOOKS AROUND AND SEES A HUGE, LUMIMNOUS OPEE SEA KILLER HAS HOOKED THEM WITH ITS LONG GOOEY TONGUE.
DARI-DIUM : Too late!
STAR-STAR JAMS THE CONTROLS INTO REVERSE. THE SUB FLIES INTO THE MOUTH OF THE CREATURE.
STAR-STAR : Oooops.
OBI-SON : Give me the controls.
OBI-SON TAKES OVER THE CONTROLS AND THE OPEE SEA KILLER INSTANTLY RELEASES THE SUB FROM ITS MOUTH.
STAR-STAR : Howsa yoosa doing that?
OBI-SON : I made it think we were a hot pocket.
AS THE SUB ZOOMS AWAY THEY SEE A LARGER SET OF JAWS, MUNCHING ON THE
HAPLESS KILLER. THE JAWS BELONG TO THE INCREDIBLE SANDO AQUA MONSTER. THE LIGHTS ON THE TINY SUB BEGIN TO FLICKER AS THEY CRUISE DEEPER INTO THE GLOOM.
DARI-DIUM : There's always a bigger fish.
OBI-SON : You’re funny Master. You should be on stage, seriously.
DARI-DIUM : Remember what I told you about sarcasm Obi-Son.
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE
NENRO AND STARGAZER STAND BEFORE A HOLOGRAM OF DARTH SHUGGNIX.
NENRO : The invasion is on schedule, My Lord.
DARTH SHUGGNIX : Good. I have the Senate bogged down in procedures. By the time this incident comes up for a vote, they will have no choice but to accept your control of the system.
NENRO : The Queen has great faith the Senate will side with her.
DARTH SHUGGNIX : Queen Dancer is young and naive. And supple, and nubile…
NENRO : My Lord?
DARTH SHUGGNIX : Umm, yes. I’ve got to go now. I’m going to… wash my hands…
DARTH SHUGGNIX fades away.
STARGAZER : You didn't tell him about the missing GAT Gods?
NENRO : You kidding me? That guy would have me in a sushi restaurant before you could say "ethnic stereotyping"! And I didn’t know Queen Dancer came from Nubilea.
EXT. THEED PLAZA - DAY
AS THE QUEEN WATCHES HELPLESSLY FROM A WINDOW IN THE PALACE, AS TRANSPORT
CARRYING NENRO AND STARGAZER LANDS IN THEED PLAZA, ACCOMPANIED BY HUNDREDS OF BATTLE DROIDS.
NENRO : Ah, victory!
STARGAZER : A little premature I’d say.
NENRO : What? We’ve won! We’ve landed in a city, therefore we now have complete control over the planet. Victory!
STARGAZER : Uh-huh. You’ve never studied military tactics have you?
EXT. THEED - ESTUARY - DAY
THERE IS A LOUD RUSH OF BUBBLES, AND THE SMALL SUB BOBS TO THE SURFACE.
DARI-DIUM : Come on...
INT. THEED - PALACE THRONE ROOM - DAY
QUEEN DANCER, SIO MASTERREEFT-BIBBLE, AND FIVE OF HER HANDMAIDENS (EIRTAE, YANE, STARLIGHT, CLEAR, SACHE) ARE SURROUNDED BY TWENTY DROIDS. CAPTAIN D.M. ALA AND FOUR NABOO GUARDS ARE ALSO HELD AT GUNPOINT. NENRO AND STARGAZER STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM.
MASTERREEFT-BIBBLE: ...how will you explain this invasion to the Senate?
NENRO : I dunno, we hadn’t thought that far ahead. Shall we make a treaty of some kind?
DANCER : I will not co-operate.
NENRO : Now, now, your Highness. You are not going to like what we have in store for your people. In time, their suffering will persuade you to see our point of view. Commander. (SOLSIXXA-9 steps forward) Process them.
SOLSIXXA-9 : Yes, sir! (turns to his sergeant) Take them to Camp Four.
DANCER : Camp Four? Does it have separate cells for VIPs? I don’t want to share with the commoners.
MASTERREEFT-BIBBLE : Your majesty, you were a commoner, you were elected a few months ago…
DANCER : So? It just means I know how much they smell!
THE SERGEANT MARCHES THE GROUP OUT OF THE THRONE ROOM.
EXT. PALACE - PLAZA - DAY
QUEEN DANCER, STARLIGHT, EIRTA, YANE, CLEAR, SACHE, CAPTAIN D.M. ALA,
MASTERREEFT-BIBBLE, AND FOUR GUARDS ARE LED OUT OF THE PALACE BY TEN BATTLE DROIDS. THE PLAZA IS FILLED WITH TANKS AND BATTLE DROIDS, WHICH THEY PASS ON THEIR WAY TO THE DETENTION CAMP. UNBEKNOWNST TO THEM, DARI-DIUM, OBI-SON, AND STAR-STAR SNEAK ACROSS ON A WALKWAY ABOVE THE PLAZA AND JUMP FROM A BALCONY TO BEGIN AN ATTACK TO RESCUE THE QUEEN.
FOUR BATTLE DROIDS ARE INSTANTLY CUT DOWN. MORE DROIDS MOVE FORWARD AND ARE ALSO CUT DOWN BY THE GAT GODS' FLASHING FLAMESABRES UNTIL THERE IS ONLY THE DROID SERGEANT LEFT. THE SERGEANT STARTS TO RUN BUT OBI-SON PERFORMS HIS FAVOURITE "BOUNCING DROID TRICK", BEFORE SMASHING HIM AGAINST THE WALL. DARI-DIUM TURNS TO FACE THE QUEEN.
DARI-DIUM : Gaah! What’s wrong with your face? Is it meant to be that colour?
DANCER : It is traditional amongst our royal family, it dates back to the days when the KKK were in charge. Who are you?
DARI-DIUM : Your Highness, we are the Ambassadors, for the Supreme
Chancellor.
MASTERREEFT-BIBBLE: You guys suck at negotiations.
DARI-DIUM : The negotiations never took place. Your Highness, we must make contact with the republic.
CAPT. D.M. ALA : They've knocked out all our communications. Even my celphone hasn’t got any reception.
DARI-DIUM : Do you have transports?
CAPT. D.M. ALA : In the main hanger. And they’re surprisingly lightly guarded. Follow me.
OBI-SON : I was just wondering, is it compulsory for all the Naboo to wear stupid hats?
THEY DISAPPEAR DOWN AN ALLEYWAY AS THE ALARMS ARE SOUNDED
INT. CENTRAL HANGER - HALLWAY - DAY
CAPTAIN D.M. ALA CRACKS OPEN A SIDE DOOR TO THE CENTRAL HANGER. DARI-DIUM LOOKS IN OVER HIS SHOULDER. OBI-SON, STAR-STAR, AND THE REST OF THE GROUP ARE BEHIND HIM. THEY SEE SEVERAL NABOO SPACECRAFT GUARDED BY ABOUT A FEW BATTLE DROIDS. ALARMS CAN BE HEARD IN THE DISTANCE.
CAPT. D.M. ALA : There are too many of them.
DARI-DIUM : What’s the matter with you? There’s only three of them. (to DANCER) Your Highness, under the circumstances, I suggest you come to Coruscant with me.
DANCER : Thank you, Ambassador, but my place is here with my people. Besides, you’re too old for me.
DARI-DIUM : They’ll kill you if you stay. Come on, I’ll show you my flamesabre…
CAPT. D.M. ALA : They need her to sign a treaty to make this invasion of theirs legal. They can't afford to kill her.
DARI-DIUM : The situation here is not what it seems. There is something else behind all this, Your Highness. There is no logic in the Federation's move here. My feelings tell me they will destroy you.
CAPT. D.M. ALA : Any attempt to escape will be dangerous.
OBI-SON : You are, by far, the most pathetic military leader I have ever met.
THE QUEEN TURNS TO STARLIGHT AND EIRTAE.
DANCER : Either choice presents a great risk...to all of us...
STARLIGHT : We are brave, Your Highness.
STARLIGHT KICKS DANCER IN THE SHIN AND NODS FURIOUSLY
DANCER : Then, I will plead our case before the Senate. Besides, I can hit the malls on Coruscant, I need more clothes.
INT. CENTRAL HANGER - DAY
THE DOOR OPENS TO THE MAIN HANGER. DARI-DIUM, OBI-SON, STAR-STAR, CAPTAIN D.M. ALA, TWO GUARDS, AND THREE HANDMAIDENS (STARLIGHT, EIRTAE, CLEAR), FOLLOWED BY QUEEN DANCER, HEAD FOR A SLEEK CHROME SPACECRAFT. MASTERREEFT-BIBBLE, YANE AND SACHE STAY BEHIND.
CAPT. D.M. ALA : What the? Why are they holding the pilots in the same place as ships? Even I know that’s a stupid idea!
CAPTAIN D.M. ALA POINTS TO TWENTY GUARDS, GROUND CREW, AND PILOTS HELD IN A CORNER BY TWO BATTLE DROIDS.
OBI-SON : I'll take care of that. I love these battle droids! They fall apart quicker than a liberal in one of Hoffman’s threads!
OBI-SON HEADS TOWARD THE GROUP OF CAPTURED PILOTS.
DARI-DIUM AND THE QUEEN, CAPTAIN D.M. ALA, STAR-STAR, AND THE REST OF THE GROUP APPROACH THE GUARDS AT THE RAMP OF THE NABOO CRAFT.
GUARD DROID : Where are you going?
DARI-DIUM : I'm Ambassador for the Supreme Chancellor, and I'm taking those
people to Coruscant.
DROID GUARD : Fair enough. Do you have your passports?
PASSPORTS ARE HANDED IN TO THE DROID
STAR-STAR : Meso nosa hava dee passport!
THE DROID GUARD DRAWS HIS WEAPON, BUT BEFORE HE CAN FIRE
HE IS CUT DOWN. OBI-SON ATTACKS THE GUARDS AROUND THE PILOTS AS EVERYONE RUNS TO THEIR SHIPS. AFTER EVERYONE HAS MADE IT ONTO THE
SHIP, ALARMS SOUND. MORE DROIDS RUSH INTO THE HANGER AND FIRE AS THE SHIP TAKES OFF.
EXT. THEED - HANGER ENTRY - DAY (FX)
THE SHIP EXITS THE HANGER. BATTLE DROIDS STANDING IN THE HANGER SHOOT WILDY IN THE AIR.
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - COCKPIT
THE PILOT NAVIGATES TOWARD THE MASSIVE BATTLESHIP, DARI-DIUM AND
CAPTAIN D.M. ALA WATCH.
PILOT : ....our communications are still jammed.
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - DROID HOLD
STAR-STAR IS LED INTO A LOW, CRAMPED DOORWAY BY OBI-SON.
OBI-SON : Now stay here, and keep out of trouble.
OBI-SON closes the door.
OBI-SON : (from the other side) Is there any way we can open an airlock in the droid hold?
STAR-STAR LOOKS AROUND AND SEES A LONG ROW OF FIVE
SHORT, DOME-TOPPED ASTRO DROIDS (DB UNITS). THE ALL LOOK ALIKE, EXCEPT FOR THEIR PAINT COLOR, AND THEY ALL SEEM TO BE SHUT DOWN.
STAR-STAR : Ello, boyos. (no response) Disa wanna longo trip...hey?
STAR-STAR TAPS A BRIGHT BLUE DB UNIT ON THE HEAD, AND ITS HEAD POPS UP A BIT. A DEPARTMENT OPENS ON THE TOP, AND A LARGE MECHANICAL FIST SLOWLY EMERGES. IT RAISES IT’S MIDDLE DIGIT TO STAR-STAR.
EXT. NABOO SPACECRAFT
THE SHIP IS HIT BY A SINGLE LASER BLAST
PILOT : Our shield generator is hit!
DARI-DIUM : Did you even have the shields up?
PILOT : If you don’t keep quiet, I’m going to turn around and our trip to Coruscant is over. Do you want to ruin it for everyone?
DARI-DIUM : Sorry.
INT. DROID HOLD
ALL THE DB DROIDS COME TO LIFE AND EXIT THE SHIP. ONE BY ONE THEY ARE DESTROYED BY SURPRISINGLY ACCURATE ENEMY FIRE. FINALLY ONLY THE BLUE DB IS LEFT.
PILOT : Powers back! That little droid did it. He bypassed the main
power drive. Deflector shield up, at maximum.
THE LONE BLUE DROID FINISHES HIS REPAIRS AND GOES BACK INTO THE SHIP. THE NABOO SPACECRAFT RACES AWAY FROM THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP.
PILOT : There's not enough power to get us to Coruscant...the hyperdrive is leaking.
DARI-DIUM : We'll have to land somewhere to refuel and repair the ship.
DARI-DIUM studies a star chart on a monitor.
OBI-SON : Here, Master. Tatooine... It's small, out of the way, poor... The Spam Federation has no presence there. It looks quite nice actually, suitable for retirement.
CAPT. D.M. ALA : How can you be sure?
OBI-SON : It's controlled by the Hutts, easy access to herbal medication.
CAPT. D.M. ALA : The Hutts??
DARI-DIUM : It's risky...but there's no alternative.
CAPT. D.M. ALA : You can't take Her Royal Highness there! The Hutts are
gangsters... If they discovered her...
DARI-DIUM : ...It would be no different than if we landed on a system
controlled by the Federation...except the Hutts aren't looking for her,
which gives us an advantage. Honestly, how did you get the rank of captain? It’s not just your first name is it?
CAPTAIN D.M. ALA TAKES A DEEP BREATH IN FRUSTRATION.
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM
NENRO AND STARGAZER SIT AROUND A CONFERENCE TABLE WITH A HOLOGRAM OF DARTH SHUGGNIX.
NENRO : We control all the cities in the North and are searching for any other settlements...
DARTH SHUGGNIX : And Queen Dancer, has she signed the treaty?
NENRO : She has disappeared, My Lord. One Naboo cruiser got pat the
blockade.
DARTH SHUGGNIX : Viceroy, find her! I want that treaty signed.
NENRO : My Lord, it's impossible to locate the ship. It's out of range of our binoculars.
DARTH SHUGGNIX : Well, fish boy, I have an alternative.
A SECOND DEV LORD APPEARS BEHIND DARTH SHUGGNIX. IT’S A HORRID SIGHT, VICIOUS, SPIKEY AND UGLY.
DARTH SHUGGNIX : (Cont'd) ...Viceroy, this is my apprentice. Lord Quid. He will find your lost ship.
NENRO : Yes, My Lord.
THE HOLOGRAM FADES OFF
STARGAZER : Did you see the other one?
NENRO : Yes, I’m just going to change my pants…
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - QUEENS CHAMBERS
DARI-DIUM, OBI-SON, CAPTAIN D.M. ALA, AND THE LITTLE BLUE DROID STAND BEFORE QUEEN DANCER AND HER THREE HANDMAIDENS, STARLIGHT, EIRTAE AND CLEAR.
CAPT. D.M. ALA : ... Without a doubt, it saved the ship, as well as our lives.
DANCER : It is to be commended...what is its number?
THE LITTLE BLUE DROID LETS OUT A SERIES OF BLEEPS. CAPTAIN D.M. ALA LEANS OVER AND SCRAPES SOME DIRT OFF OF THE SIDE OF THE DROID AND READ THE NUMBER:
CAPT. D.M. ALA : DB-JEMZ2, Your Highness.
DANCER : Thank you, DB-Jemz2. You have proven to be very loyal...Starlight!
STARLIGHT BOWS BEFORE THE QUEEN.
DANCER : (Cont'd) Clean this droid up the best you can. It deserves our
gratitude...
STARLIGHT : You’re kidding right?
DANCER LOOKS DEFIANT AND SMILES
STARLIGHT : Right! I’ll speak to you later…
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - MAIN AREA
STARLIGHT SITS IN THE MAIN AREA, CLEANING DB-JEMZ2, THE BRAVE LITTLE DB DROID. STAR-STAR POPS OUT OF AN OPEN DOOR.
STAR-STAR : Hidoe!
BOTH STARLIGHT AND DB-JEMZ2 JUMP AND LET OUT A LITTLE SCREAM. THE GUNGAN IS EMBARRASSED THAT HE FRIGHTENED THEM.
STARLIGHT : Come out here! What are you doing watching me? Are you some kind of pervert?
STAR-STAR : Mesa Ja Ja Binksss...
STARLIGHT : That explains it. I'm Starlight. You're a Gungan, aren't you? How did you end up here with us?
STAR-STAR : Me no know...mesa day starten pitty okeyday witda brisky morning munchen. Den boom....getten berry skeered, un grabbed dat GAT God, and before mesa knowen it...pow! Mesa here. (he shrugs)...getten berry berry skeered.
STARLIGHT : Can you go away again?
EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT - NABOO SPACECRAFT - DAY (FX)
THE NABOO SPACECRAFT LANDS IN THE DESERT IN A SWIRL OF DUST. THE SPACEPORT OF MOS ESPA IS SEEN IN THE DISTANCE.
EXT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - MAIN AREA
OBI-SON IS HOISTING THE HYPERDRIVE OUT OF A FLOOR PANEL. STAR-STAR RUSHES UP TO HIM AND KNOCKS HIM OVER.
OBI-SON : Master Dari-Dium! Please take this creature with you!
STAR-STAR WALKS BACK TO DB-JEMZ2 IN THE HALLWAY AS DARI-DIUM ENTERS THE MAIN AREA.
DARI-DIUM MOVES CLOSER TO OBI-SON AND SPEAKS QUIETLY TO HIM.
DARI-DIUM : Don't let them send any transmissions. Be wary...I sense a
disturbance…
OBI-SON : I fell it also, Master.
DARI-DIUM : Of course you do. You never sya it though, do you? You always just agree with me. You’re the worst student I’ve ever had...
EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT - SPACESHIP - DAY
THEY START THEIR TREK ACROSS THE DESERT TOWARD THE CITY OF MOS ESPA. IN THE DISTANCE, FROM THE SPACESHIP, CAPTAIN D.M. ALA AND STARLIGHT RUN TOWARD THEM.
CAPT. D.M. ALA : Wait!
DARI-DIUM STOPS AS THEY CATCH UP. STARLIGHT IS DRESSED IN ROUGH PEASANT'S GARB.
CAPT. D.M. ALA : (Cont'd) Her Highness commands you to take her handmaiden with you. She wishes for her to observe the local...
DARI-DIUM : She’s giving me a handmaiden? No problem! She can come!
HE GIVES STARLIGHT A STRANGE LOOK.
EXT. MOS ESPA - STREET - DAY
THE LITTLE GROUP WALKS DOWN THE MAIN STREET OF MOS ESPA. THEY PASS
DANGEROUS LOOKING CITIZENS OF ALL TYPES. STARLIGHT LOOKS AROUND IN AWE AT THIS EXOTIC ENVIRONMENT.
EXT. MOS ESPA - JUNK DEALER PLAZA - DAY
THE GROUP COMES TO A LITTLE PLAZA SURROUNDED BY SEVERAL JUNK SPACESHIP
DEALERS.
DARI-DIUM : We'll try one of the smaller dealers. Maybe we can intimidate them.
INT. WANDOO'S JUNK SHOP - DAY
DARI-DIUM, STAR-STAR, STARLIGHT, AND DB-JEMZ2 ENTER THE DINGY JUNK SHOP AND ARE GREETED BY WANDOO, A PUDGY BLUE ALIEN.
WANDOO : What do you want?
DARI-DIUM : I need parts for a J-type 327 Nubian.
WANDOO : What’s a Nubian?
DARI-DIUM : Don’t do that joke.
WANDOO : Alright, Nubian. We have lots of that. What kinda junk?
DARI-DIUM : My droid here has a readout of what I need.
A DISHEVELED BOY, NEVETS BOARDWALKER, RUNS IN FROM THE JUNK YARD. HE IS ABOUT NINE YEARS OLD, VERY DIRTY, AND DRESSED IN RAGS. WANDOO RAISES A HAND, AND NEVETS FLINCHES.
WANDOO : What took you so long?)
NEVETS : I was cleaning the toiets. Again. You know Wandoo, you really should stop eating chilli at every meal.
WANDOO : Never mind! Watch the store I've got some selling to do here.
DB-JEMZ2 AND DARI-DIUM FOLLOW WANDOO TOWARD THE JUNK YARD, LEAVING STAR-STAR WITH STARLIGHT AND THE YOUNG BOY NEVETS. STAR-STAR PICKS UP A GIZMO, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT ITS PURPOSE. DARI-DIUM TAKES THE PART OUT OF HIS HAND AND PUTS IT BACK.
NEVETS SITS ON THE COUNTER, PRETENDING TO CLEAN A PART, STARING AT STARLIGHT. SHE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CREAURE HE HAS EVER SEEN IN HIS LIFE. STARLIGHT IS A LITTLE EMBARRASSED BY HIS STARE, BUT SHE MUSTERS UP AN AMUSED SMILE. FINALLY, HE GETS THE COURAGE TO SPEAK.
NEVETS : Are you an angle?
STARLIGHT : What?
NEVETS : An angle. I've heard the deep space pilots talk about them. Apparantly they’re really important when they’re working out how to fly through hyperspace. It’s not like dusting crops, or so they say.
STARLIGHT : You're a special little boy aren’t you?
NEVETS : I’m not special, just a little slow on maths and language skills. My Mom and I were sold to DancingAliceBlue the Hutt, but she lost us, betting on the Modraces, to Wandoo, who's a lot better master than Gardulla, I think.
STARLIGHT : You're...a slave?
NEVETS looks at STARLIGHT defiantly.
NEVETS : I am a person! My name is Nevets.
STARLIGHT : Ha! You’re a slave! Gutted!
EXT. WANDOO'S JUNK YARD - BEHIND SHOP - DAY
WANDOO READS A SMALL PORTABLE MONITOR HE IS HOLDING. HE STANDS BEFORE A
HYPERDRIVE.
WANDOO : Here it is. You won’t find one anywhere else, so don’t even bother looking.
DARI-DIUM : Well, if you say so, I believe you… Will 20000 republic credits do?
WANDOO : Republic credits?!? Republic credits are no good out here. I need something more real. How about your girl out there?
DARI-DIUM : It’s tempting, but I still haven’t tried her out. Credits will do fine.
WANDOO : No they won'ta.
DARI-DIUM WAVES HIS HAND AT WANDOO’S GROIN.
DARI-DIUM : Credits will do fine.
WANDOO : No, they won'ta. What you think you're some kinda GAT God, waving your hand around like that? I'm a Toydarian. We have no genitals. No money, no parts! No deal!
INT. WANDOO'S JUNK SHOP - DAY
NEVETS : ...wouldn't have lasted long if I weren't so good at fixing
things. I'm making my own droid...
STARLIGHT : That’s absolutely fascinating.
DARI-DIUM HURRIES INTO THE SHOP, FOLLOWED BY DB-JEMZ2.
DARI-DIUM : We're leaving.
STARLIGHT : I'm glad I met you,....ah...
NEVETS : ...Nevets.
STARLIGHT : Nevets.
NEVETS : Nevets Boardwalker.
STARLIGHT : I really don’t care.
STARLIGHT TURNS, AND NEVETS LOOKS SAD AS HE WATCHES HER LEAVE.
EXT. MOS ESPA - STREET - ALCOVE - DAY
DARI-DIUM, DB-JEMZ2, STAR-STAR, AND STARLIGHT HAVE FOUND A QUIET SPOT BETWEEN TWO BUILDINGS. THE BUSY STREET BEYOND IS FILLED WITH DANGEROUS LOOKING CREATURES. DARI-DIUM IS TALKING ON HIS COM-LINK, WHILE STAR-STAR NERVOUSLY WATCHES THE STREET. OBI-SON IS IN THE MAIN HOLD OF THE NABOO CRAFT.
DARI-DIUM : ...Obi-Son, you're sure there isn't anything of value left on board?
OBI-SON : A few containers of supplies, the Queen's wardrobe, maybe.
DARI-DIUM : The queen’s wardrobe? Are you kidding? We’d have to pay someone to take that stuff away. Another solution will present itself. I'll check back.
EXT. MOS ESPA - STREET - MARKET - DAY
DARI-DIUM, STARLIGHT, STAR-STAR, AND DB-JEMZ2 MOVE OUT INTO THE STREET. STAR-STAR IS WALKING BEHIND THE OTHERS. THEY WALK BY AN OUTDOOR CAFE FILLED WITH A ROUGH GANG OF ALIENS, ONE OF WHICH IS ESPECIALLY UGLY, NETGURO, A SPIDER-LIKE CREATURE. STAR-STAR STOPS FOR A MOMENT IN FRONT OF A STALL SELLING DEAD FROGS HANGING ON A WIRE. HE LOOKS AROUND TO SEE IF ANYONE IS LOOKING, THEN STICKS OUT HIS TONGUE, AND GETS HOLD OF ONE, PULLING IT INTO HIS MOUTH. UNFORTUNATELY, THE FROG IS TIED TIGHTLY TO THE WIRE. THE VENDOR SUDDENLY APPEARS.
VENDOR : Hey, that will be seven truguts!!
STAR-STAR OPENS HIS MOUTH IN SURPRISE, AND THE FROG SNAPS AWAY, RICOCHETS AROUND THE MARKET, AND LANDS IN NETGURO'S SOUP, SPLASHING HIM. AS STAR-STAR MOVES AWAY FROM THE VENDOR, NETGURO JUMPS UP ON THE TABLE AND GRABS THE HAPLESS GUNGAN.
NETGURO : Hey! You splashed my new suede jacket!
NETGURO HOLDS THE FROG UP TO THE GUNGAN THREATENINGLY. SEVERAL OTHER
CREATURES START TO GATHER. NETGURO SHOVES STAR-STAR TO THE GROUND. THE GUNGAN DESPERATELY TRIES TO SCRAMBLE TO SAFETY.
STAR-STAR TURNS TO SEE NEVETS PUSHING HIS WAY NEXT TO HIM. THE BOY STANDS UP TO NETGURO IN A VERY SELF-ASSURED WAY.
NEVETS : Careful, NetGuro... You may regret it.
NETGURO STOPS HIS ASSAULT ON STAR-STAR AND TURNS TO NEVETS.
NETGURO : Whada you mean, slave?
NEVETS : I’d hate for those pictures I’ve got of you with DancingAliceBlue the Hutt get out in public…
NETGURO : Next time we race, wermo, it will be the end of you, and your photo collection.
NETGURO TURNS AWAY. DARI-DIUM, STARLIGHT AND DB-JEMZ2 ARRIVE.
NEVETS : (Cont'd) Hi! Your buddy here was about to be turned into orange goo. He picked a fight with a Troll. An especially dangerous Troll called NetGuro.
STARLIGHT LOOKS AT NEVETSB AND SNEERS; HE SMILES BACK. THEY START WALKING DOWN THE CROWDED STREET. THEY STOP AT JIRA’
NEVETS : There’s a storm coming. Do you have shelter?
DARI-DIUM : We'll head back to our ship.
NEVETS : Is it far?
STARLIGHT : On the outskirts.
NEVETS : You'll never reach the outskirts in time. You’d probably die!
DARI-DIUM : Maybe Star-Star would like to try anyway?
NEVETS : No, you can all come back to my place!
INT. NEVETS'S HOVEL - MAIN ROOM - DAY
DARI-DIUM, STAR-STAR, DB-JEMZ2, AND STARLIGHT ENTER A SMALL LIVING SPACE.
NEVETS : Mom! Mom! I'm home.
STARLIGHT : This place stinks. What have you been doing, burning Jawas in here?
NEVETS'S MOTHER, GREENABSINTHEFAIRY BOARDWALKER, A FRIENDLY,DRUNK WOMAN ENTERS AND IS STARTLED TO SEE THE ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE.
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : Oh, my!! Nevvie, what's this?
DARI-DIUM : I'm Dari-Dium Jinn, and this is Star-Star Binks.
NEVETS : I'm building a droid. You wanna see?
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : Nevets! Why are they here? Did you stop at the store for me?
NEVETS : Yes mom, your absinthe is in my bag. I said they could stay here while the sandstorm is raging.
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY GRABS NEVETS’ BAG AND BREAKS OPEN THE ABSINTHE
DARI-DIUM : Your son was kind enough to offer us shelter. He said it was a nicer place than this though…
NEVETS : Come on! Let me show you T-AnwitO!
NEVETS LEADS A RELUCTANT STARLIGHT INTO THE OTHER ROOM. DB-JEMZ2 FOLLOWS, BEEPING ALL THE WAY.
DARI-DIUM TAKES FIVE SMALL CAPSULES FROM HIS UTILITY BELT AND HANDS THEM TO GREENABSINTHEFAIRY.
DARI-DIUM : I have enough food for a meal.
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : I don’t need your charity!
SHE GRABS THE CAPSULES
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : I’ll take them, but I’m not grateful. And stay away from my absinthe!
DARI-DIUM : He's a very special boy.
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : No, he’s just a little slow at some things.
INT. NEVETS'S HOVEL - BEDROOM - DAY
NEVETS SHOWS OFF HIS ANDROID, WHICH IS LYING ON HIS WORKBENCH. THERE IS ONE EYE IN THE HEAD; THE BODY, ARMS, AND LEGS HAVE NO OUTER COVERINGS.
NEVETS : Isn't he great?! He's not finished yet.
STARLIGHT : I don’t like droids. They creep me out.
NEVETS : Really? I don’t like sand...
STARLIGHT : Save it boy, I’ve heard that line a hundred times.
NEVETS PUSHES A SWITCH, AND THE DROID SITS UP. NEVETS RUSHES AROUND, GRABS AN EYE AND PUTS IT IN ONE OF THE SOCKETS.
T-ANWITO : How do you do, I am T-AnwitO, Human Cyborg Relations. How
might I serve you?
STARLIGHT : He's weird, and kind of camp.
NEVETS : I haven’t been able to get rid of that glitch. He keeps teelin me I’m a beautiful flower. Hey, when the storm is over you can see my racer. I'm building a Modracer!
STARLIGHT SMIRKS AT HIS ENTHUSIASM. DB-JEMZ2 LETS OUT A FLURRY OF BEEPS AND WHISTLES.
T-ANWITO : I beg your pardon....what do you mean I'm naked?
DB-JEMZ2 BEEPS
T-ANWITO : How dare you call me a pervert!
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - QUEENS CHAMBERS
DANCER, EIRTAE, CLEAR, AND OBI-SON WATCH A VERY BAD TRANSMISSION OF A
MASTERREEFT-BIBBLE HOLOGRAM.
MASTERREEFT-BIBBLE: ...cut off all porn supplies until you return...the frustration is catastrophic...we must bow to their wishes, Your Highness...Please tell us what to do! If you can hear us, Your Highness, you must contact me...
OBI-SON : It's a trick. Send no reply... Send no transmission of any kind. We did bring porn with us, didn’t we?
INT. NEVETS'S HOVEL - MAIN ROOM - DAY
DARI-DIUM LISTENS TO HIS COMLINK. OBI-SON IS IN THE COCKPIT.
OBI-SON : ...the Queen is upset...but absolutly no reply was sent.
DARI-DIUM : Damn straight. It sounds like bait to establish a connection trace.
OBI-SON : I don’t understand. Is that a good thing?
DARI-DIUM : Obi-Son?
OBI-SON : Yes?
Dari-Dium : I hate you.
EXT. CORUSCANT - BALCONY OVERLOOKING CITY - NIGHT
DARTH SHUGGNIX AND A HOLOGRAM OF DARTH QUID LOOK OUT OVER THE VAST CITY.
DARTH QUID : At last we will reveal ourselves to the GAT Gods. At last we will have revenge.
DARTH SHUGGNIX : I love it when you use your commanding voice.
THE HOLOGRAM OF DARTH QUID FADES OFF AS DARTH SHUGGNIX LOOKS OUT OVER THE CITY.
INT. NEVETS'S HOVEL - MAIN ROOM - DAY
DARI-DIUM, NEVETS, GREENABSINTHEFAIRY, STAR-STAR, AND STARLIGHT ARE SEATED AROUND A MAKESHIFT TABLE, HAVING DINNER AS THE WIND HOWLS OUTSIDE.
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : All slaves have transmitters placed inside their bodies somewhere.
NEVETS : I've been working on a scanner to try and locate them, but no
luck.
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : Any attempt to escape...
NEVETS : ...and they blow you up...poof!
STAR-STAR LOOKS HORRIFIED. STARLIGHT LETS OUT A GIGGLE.
AN AWKWARD SILENCE. NEVETS ATTEMPTS TO END THE EMBARRASSMENT.
NEVETS : Have you ever seen a Modrace?
STARLIGHT SHAKES HER HEAD NO AND TRIES TO BREAK EYE-CONTACT WITH HIM. STAR-STAR SNATCHES SOME FOOD FROM A BOWL AT THE OTHER END OF THE TABLE WITH HIS TONGUE. DARI-DIUM GIVES HIM A DIRTY LOOK.
DARI-DIUM : They have Modracing on Malastare. Very fast, very dangerous.
NEVETS : I'm the only human who can do it.
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY looks askance at her son.
STARLIGHT : Ooh, I’m so impressed.
DARI-DIUM : You must have GAT God reflexes if you race Mods.
NEVETS SMILES. STAR-STAR ATTEMPTS TO SNARE ANOTHER BIT OF FOOD FROM THE BOWL WITH HIS TONGUE, BUT DARI-DIUM, IN A FLASH, GRABS IT BETWEEN HIS THUMB AND FOREFINGER. DARI-DIUM GRABS A FORK AND SLAMS THE TONGUE INTO THE TABLE.
DARI-DIUM : No warnings for you Star-Star
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY HAS ANOTHER SHOT OF ABSINTHE
NEVETS : You're a GAT God Knight, aren't you?
DARI-DIUM : What makes you think that?
NEVETS : I saw your flamesaber. Only GAT Gods carry that kind of weapon.
DARI-DIUM LEANS BACK AND SLOWLY SMILES.
DARI-DIUM : Maybe it’s a torch.
NEVETS : Is that the best explanation you can come up with? "It’s a torch?" Man, you GAT Gods suck.
DARI-DIUM : I wish that were so...
NEVETS. I had a dream I was a GAT God. I came back here and freed all the
slaves...have you come to free us?
DARI-DIUM : No, that sounds like a lot of hard work for no reward. Why would I bother?
NEVETS : Why else would you be here?
DARI-DIUM : I can see there's no fooling you...(leans forward) You mustn't let anyone know about us...we're on our way to Coruscant, the central system in the Republic, on a very important mission, and it must be kept secret.
NEVETS : You really do suck! I’m a young boy who’s been questioning you for two minutes and I’ve got top-secret information out of you? How long would you last with a torturer? Anyway, why are you here then?
STARLIGHT : Our ship was damaged, and we're stranded here until we can repair it.
NEVETS : I can help! I can fix anything!
DARI-DIUM : Sure you can, everyone knows children can be trusted to fix such technical equipment. But we need the parts first.
STAR-STAR : Wit no-nutten mula to trade.
STARLIGHT : These junk dealers must have a weakness of some kind.
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : Gambling. Everything here revolves around betting on those awful races. Gambling is an evil vice that stains the soul!
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY TAKES ANOTHER SHOT OF ABSINTHE
DARI-DIUM : Modracing... Greed can be a powerful ally.. if it's used
properly.
NEVETS : I've built a racer! It's the fastest ever...There's a big race
tomorrow, on Boonta Eve. You could enter my pod. It's all but finished...
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : Sure why not? I don’t really...
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY SLUMPS TO THE FLOOR, PASSED OUT
NEVETS : Yes!
INT. WANDOO'S JUNK SHOP - DAY
DARI-DIUM walks in, and WANDOO and NEVETS join him.
WANDOO : The boy tells me you wanta sponser hi insa race. You can't afford parts. How can you do this? Not on Republic credits, I think. (he laughs)
DARI-DIUM : My ship will be the entry fee.
DARI-DIUM PULLS A SMALL OBJECT THAT LOOKS LIKE A WATCH OUT OF HIS POCKET, AND A HOLOGRAM OF THE NABOO SPACECRAFT APPEARS ABOUT A FOOT LONG IN FRONT OF WANDOO. HE STUDIES IT.
WANDOO : Not bad...not bad...a Nubian.
NEVETS : What’s a Nubian?
DARI-DIUM : Drop it Nevets.
WANDOO : ...but what would the boy ride? He smashed up my Mod in the last race. It will take some time to fix it.
NEVETS IS EMBARRASSED AND STEPS FORWARD.
NEVETS : Ahhhh....it wasn't my fault really... NetGuro flashed me with his vent ports. I actually saved the Mod...mostly.
WANDOO : The boy is good for a human, but he still sucks.
DARI-DIUM : I’ve got a pod. I won it at strip-sabacc.
WANDOO : So, you supply the Mod and the entry fee; I supply the boy. We split the winnings fifty-fifty, I think.
DARI-DIUM : Fifty-fifty!?! If it's going to be fifty-fifty, I suggest you front the cash for the entry. If we win, you keep all the winnings, minus the cost of the parts I need...If we lose, you keep my ship.
WANDOO THINKS ABOUT THIS. NEVETS TRIES NOT TO BE NERVOUS.
DARI-DIUM : Or I can just kill you here and now.
WANDOO : Deal!
EXT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - TATOOINE DESERT - DAY
OBI-SON STANDS OUTSIDE THE NABOO SPACECRAFT, SPEAKING INTO HIS COMLINK.
DARI-DIUM IS ON THE BACK PORCH OF THE HOVEL.
OBI-SON : What if this plan fails, Master? We could be stuck here for a
long time.
DARI-DIUM : All you do is whine, Obi-Son. Live a little! Let it all hang out!
OBI-SON : Have you been on the mother’s absinthe, master?
DARI-DIUM : So what if I have? (hic) I’m old enough! You’re not my dad! Dad, I love you! Why wouldn’t you hug me?
DARI-DIUM PASSES OUT
EXT MOS ESPA - SLAVE QUARTERS - PORCH - DAY
DARI-DIUM SITS WITH AN ICE PACK ON HIS HEAD, GREENABSINTHEFAIRY COMES TO JOIN HIM
DARI-DIUM : You should be proud of your son. He gives without any thought of reward.
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : He’s a moron. We don’t have anything, but he still offers things to strangers. Once he offered my body to a passing Wookiee. He has...
DARI-DIUM : He has special powers.
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : Yes...
DARI-DIUM : He can see things before they happen. That's why he appears to have such quick reflexes. It is a GAT God trait.
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : He deserves better than a slave's life.
DARI-DIUM : The b33r is unusally strong with him.
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY :The b33r?
DARI-DIUM : B33r flows through us and around us, it binds us together. The GAT God can manipulate b33r, it gives them their powers. We follow the will of the b33r. Who was his father?
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : There was no father.
DARI-DIUM LOOKS AT HER
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : It was Leppy The Hutt.
DARI-DIUM : I’m going to go sit over there. Don’t follow me.
EXT. MOS ESPA - SLAVE QUARTERS - BACK YARD - DAY
NEVETS, STAR-STAR, DB-JEMZ2, AND STARLIGHT ARE WORKING ON THE MOD.
STAR-STAR IS FIDDLING WITH ONE OF THE ENERGY BINDER PLATES.
NEVETS : Hey! Star-Star! Stay away from those energy binders...
STAR-STAR : Who, mesa?
NEVETS : If your hand gets caught in that beam, it will go numb for hours.
STAR-STAR DROPS A SPANNER AND BENDS DOWN TO PICK IT UP. HIS DANGLING TONGUE GETS CAUGHT THE ENERGY
DARI-DIUM APPROACHES THE GROUP AND GIVES NEVETS A SMALL BATTERY. STAR-STAR GETS HIS HAND CAUGHT IN THE AFTERBURNER AND TRIES TO TELL NEVETS, BUT CAN'T GET WORDS OUT THAT MAKE SENSE.
DARI-DIUM : Use this power charge.
NEVETS : Yes, sir!!
NEVETS JUMPS INTO THE LITTLE CAPSULE BEHIND THE TWO GIANT ENGINES. HE PUTS THE POWER PACK BACK INTO THE DASHBOARD. EVERYONE BACKS AWAY, EXCEPT FOR STAR-STAR WHO IS STILL STUCK. EVERYONE RUSHES TO START THE ENGINE, BUT STAR-STAR PULLS HIS HAND OUT IN TIME. EVERYONE FEELS DEPRESSED.
EXT. SLAVE QUARTERS - BALCONY - NIGHT
NEVETS SITS ON THE BALCONY RAIL OF HIS HOVEL AS DARI-DIUM TENDS TO A CUT. NEVETS LEANS BACK TO LOOK AT THE VAST BLANKET OF STARS IN THE SKY.
DARI-DIUM : Sit still, Nevvie. Let me clean this cut.
NEVETS : There are so many! Do they all have a system of planets?
DARI-DIUM : Of course not, I thought you were meant to be intelligent.
NEVETS : Has anyone been to them all?
DARI-DIUM : How the hell should I know?
DARI-DIUM WIPES A PATCH OF BLOOD OFF NEVETS'S ARM.
DARI-DIUM : There, good as new...
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY YELLS FROM INSIDE THE HOVEL.
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : Nevvie, bedtime!
DARI-DIUM SCRAPES NEVETS'S BLOOD ONTO A COMLINK CHIP.
NEVETS : What are you doing?
DARI-DIUM : Checking your blood for STDs.
NEVETS : I've never seen...
DARI-DIUM : Go on, you have a big day tomorrow. (beat) Goodnight.
DARI-DIUM TAKES THE BLOOD STAINED CHIP AND INSERTS IT INTO THE COMLINK, THEN CALLS OBI-SON.
DARI-DIUM : (Cont'd) Obi-Son...
OBI-SON : Yes, Master.
DARI-DIUM : Make an analysis of this blood sample I'm sending you.
OBI-SON : Wait a minute...
DARI-DIUM : I need a midi-chlorian count.
OBI-SON : A what?
DARI-DIUM : Midi-chlorian. Just go with it, and don’t make a fuss.
OBI-SON : OK. The transmission seems to be in good order, but the
reading's off the chart...over twenty thousand.
DARI-DIUM : (almost to himself) That's it then.
OBI-SON : Even Master BaldBrit doesn't have a midi-chlorian count that high!
DARI-DIUM : No GAT God has.
OBI-SON : What does it mean?
DARI-DIUM : I'm not sure.
OBI-SON : Well, you’re certainly a fountain of information.
EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT MESA - NIGHT
THE SINISTER LOOKING DEV SPACECRAFT LANDS ON TOP OF A DESERT MESA AT DUS, SCATTERING A HERD OF BANTHAS. DARTH QUID WALKS TO THE EDGE OF THE MESA AND STUDIES THE LANDSCAPE WITH A PAIR OF ELECTROBINOCULARS. HE PICKS OUT THE LIGHTS OF THREE DIFFERENT CITIES IN THE DISTANCE, THEN PUSHES BUTTONS ON HIS ELECTRONIC ARMBAND.
SIX FOOTBALL-SIZED PROBE DROIDS FLOAT OUT OF THE SHIP AND HEAD OFF IN THREE DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS TOWARD THE CITIES.
DARTH QUID TURNS TO RE-ENTER HIS SHIP, BUT SLIPS ON BANTHA POODOO.
INT. MOS ESPA - ARENA - MAIN HANGER - DAY
THE HANGER IS A LARGE BUILDING WITH A DOZEN OR SO MODRACERS BEING READIED FOR THE RACE. ALIEN CREWS AND PILOTS RUSH ABOUT, MAKING LAST MINUTE FIXES ON THEIR VEHICLES. WANDOO, DARI-DIUM, AND STAR-STAR WALK THROUGH THE ACTIVITY.
DARI-DIUM : Do you think Nevets will win?
WANDOO : Don't get me wrong. I have great faith in the boy. He's a credit to your race, but NetGuro there is going to win, I think.
DARI-DIUM : Why?
WANDOO : He always wins. (laughs) I'm betting heavily on NetGuro.
DARI-DIUM : I'll take that bet.
WANDOO : I’ll wager my handmaiden, and the Mod against your boy.
WANDOO SMILES
WANDOO : Sounds good to me. So your handmaiden, tell me what is she into?
NEVETS AND STARLIGHT ENTER THE HANGER ON ONE OF THE EOPIES, PULLING AN ENGINE.
KITSTER, ON THE OTHER EOPIE, IS PULLING ANOTHER ENGINE. WITH T-ANWITO
WALKING ALONGSIDE, DB-JEMZ2 TRUNDLES BEHIND, PULLING THE MOD WITH GREENABSINTHEFAIRY SITTING ON IT.
DB-JEMZ2 BEEPS AT T-ANWITO.
T-ANWITO : Oh my! Space travel sounds rather perilous.
DB-JEMZ2 EMITS A SERIES OF BEEPS.
T-ANWITO : I do wish you’d stop calling me that!
KITSTER : I'm sure you'll do it this time, Nevvie.
STARLIGHT : Do what?
KITSTER : Finish the race, of course!
STARLIGHT : You've never won a race?
NEVETS : Well...not exactly...
STARLIGHT : Not even finished?!
NEVETS LOOKS SHEEPISH.
STARLIGHT : We’re screwed.
EXT. MOS ESPA - DESERT RACE ARENA – DAY
THE PODRACE OCCURS, UNFORTUNATELY, IT’S SO DULL THAT DARI-DIUM, STARLIGHT AND STAR-STAR ALL FALL ASLEEP. THEY WAKE UP TO CHEERING.
THE TWO-HEADED ANNOUNCER EXCITEDLY CALLS THE FINISH.
DARI-DIUM : Has he won then?
STARLIGHT : Yep.
DARI-DIUM : Let’s go.
WANDOO APPRACHES, FURIOUS
WANDOO : You! You swindled me! You knew the boy was going to win! Somehow you knew it! I lost everything.
WANDOO FLIES UP TO DARI-DIUM AND PUTS HIS FACE RIGHT UP AGAINST DARI-DIUM'S. DARI-DIUM SIMPLY SMILES.
DARI-DIUM : Not my problem my little friend.
WANDOO : You can't have him! It wasn't a fair bet!
DARI-DIUM : Tell you what, to quell your pain, how about you take my friend Star-Star?
WANDOO : No, no! I’m sorry! Take the boy, take him!
ON A HILL FAR OVERLOOKING THEM, THE DEV PROBE DROID TURNS AND SPEEDS AWAY.
INT. NEVETS'S HOVEL - MAIN ROOM - DAY
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY IS CLEANING UP AS NEVETS BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR, FOLLOWED BY DARI-DIUM.
NEVETS : Mom, we sold the Mod. Look at all the money we have!
NEVETS PULLS A BAG OF COINS OUT OF HIS POCKET.
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : Oh, my goodness, That's wonderful! Think of all the absinthe I can buy!
DARI-DIUM : And Nevets has been freed.
NEVETS : What?!?
DARI-DIUM : You're no longer a slave.
NEVETS : Cool.
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : And me?
DARI-DIUM : I didn’t think to ask, and quite frankly I don’t want a drunk on my ship.
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : Screw you, beard boy. Will you take him with you? Is he to become a GAT God?
DARI-DIUM : He is strong with the Force, but he may not be accepted by the Pantheon.
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : Why not?
DARI-DIUM : They’ve got something aqainst blondes, I’ve never been able to work it out.
NEVETS : A GAT God! You mean I get to go with you in your starship and everything?!
DARI-DIUM : Nevets, training to be a GAT God will not be a easy challenge. And if you succeed, it will be a hard life. Plus, the pay sucks.
NEVETS : I’ve been living as a slave for the last nine years, do you think I’m worried about pay?
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : No, if I can’t go, neither can he. He’s my only son, he’s all I have in the world. I can’t imagine life without my little Nevvie...
DARI-DIUM : I’ll give you a bottle of absinthe for him.
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : Done.
NEVETS THINKS, LOOKS TO HIS MOTHER, THEN TO DARI-DIUM.
NEVETS : I want to go.
DARI-DIUM : Then, pack your things. We haven't much time.
NEVETS : Yipee!!
DARI-DIUM : If you say that again, you’re sharing a room with Star-Star.
INT. NEVETS'S HOVEL - SECOND ROOM - DAY
NEVETS HAS THROWN THE LAST OF HIS THINGS IN A SMALL BACKPACK. AS HE LEAVES, HE STOPS AND PUSHES THE BUTTON THAT WAKES HIS DROID UP. T-ANWITO STARES AT HIM BLANKLY.
NEVETS : Well, T-AnwitO, I'm free...and I'm going away...in a starship...
T-ANWITO : You’re just leaving me here?
NEVETS : I'm sorry I wasn't able to finish you, T-AnwitO...give you
coverings and all... I'm going to miss working on you. You've been a great pal. I'll make sure Mom doesn't sell you or anything. Bye.
T-ANWITO STARES AT NEVETS AS HE RUSHES OUT OF THE ROOM.
T-ANWITO : Damn, now I have abandonment issues.
EXT. MOS ESPA - STREET - SLAVE QUARTERS - DAY
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY AND NEVETS STAND IN THE STREET, SAYING GOODBYE,
NEVETS : Will I ever see you again?
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : What does your heart tell you?
NEVETS : I hope so...yes...I guess.
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : Then we will see each other again.
NEVETS : I.. will become a GAT God and I will come back and free you, Mom...I promise.
GREENABSINTHEFAIRY : I’m looking forward to see you again. When we meet again, I’m sure it’ll be under happier circumstances.
EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT - NABOO SPACECRAFT - DAY
DARI-DIUM AND NEVETS RUN TOWARD THE NABOO SPACECRAFT. NEVETS IS HAVING A HARD TIME KEEPING UP.
NEVETS : Master Dari-Dium,sir, wait!
DARI-DIUM TURNS TO ANSWER AND SEES A DARK-CLOAKED FIGURE BEARING DOWN ON A SPEEDER BIKE.
DARI-DIUM : Jeebus Christ! Nevets, drop!
NEVETS DROPS TO THE GROUND JUST AS DARTH QUID SWEEPS OVER HIM. DARTH QUID JUMPS OFF HIS SPEEDER BIKE, AND BEFORE HE HAS HIT THE GROUND, THE DEV LORD HAS SWUNG A DEATH BLOW WITH HIS FLAMESABRE THAT IS BARELY BLOCKED BY DARI-DIUM.
NEVETS PICKS HIMSELF UP. THE TWO GALACTIC WARRIORS, DEV AND GAT GOD, ARE
BASHING EACH OTHER WITH INCREDIBLE BLOWS. THEY MOVE IN A CONTINUAL CLOUD OF DUST, SMASHING EVERYTHING AROUND THEM. THIS IS A FIERCE FIGHT. NEVETS GETS UP, BEWILDERED BY THE CONFRONTATION AND RUNS TO THE SHIP.
DARI-DIUM : Thanks for you help Nevets!
DARI-DIUM STRUGGLES TO FEND OFF THE RELENTLESS ONSLAUGHT AS NEVETS RACES TO THE SHIP.
THE SHIP TAKES OFF AND FLIES LOW OVER THE BATTLE THE TWO WARRIORS HEAR THE SHIP FLY OVER THEM A FEW FEET OFF THE GROUND.
BEFORE DARTH QUID KNOWS WHAT'S HAPPENING, DARI-DIUM IS ON THE SPACECRAFT'S RAMP. THE RAMP CLOSES, AND THE NABOO CRAFT ROCKETS AWAY,
LEAVING THE DEV LORD STANDING ALONE.
DARTH XAHN STANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT, SHAKING HIS FIST AT THE SKY.
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - HALLWAY
NEVETS AND OBI-SON RUSH INTO THE HALLWAY TO FIND DARI-DIUM COLLAPSED ON THE FLOOR OPPOSITE THE ENTRY. DB-JEMZ2 IS LOOKING OVER HIM. THE GAT GOD IS BREATHING HARD, WET WITH SWEAT AND COVERED IN DIRT.
OBI-SON : What the hell was that?
DARI-DIUM : I don't know... but he was a tough son of a bitch.
NEVETS : Do you think he'll follow us?
DARI-DIUM : We'll be safe enough once we're in hyperspace, but I have no doubt he knows our destination.
NEVETS : What are we going to do about it?
OBI-SON GIVES NEVETS A "WHO ARE YOU?" LOOK. NEVETS RETURNS AN INNOCENT
STARE.
DARI-DIUM : We will be patient. Nevets Boardwalker, meet Obi-Son Gokuu.
NEVETS : I don’t like you.
OBI-SON GIVES THE BOY A SKEPTICAL LOOK.
THE STARS STREAK OUTSIDE THE WINDOW.
INT. CORUSCANT - CITYSCAPE - NABOO SPACECRAFT - DAY (FX)
THE SPACECRAFT FLIES OVER THE ENDLESS CITYSCAPE OF CORUSCANT, THE CAPITAL OF THE GALAXY.
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - COCKPIT
NEVETS LOOKS OUT THE COCKPIT WINDOW IN AWE.
OBI-SON : Coruscant...the capital of the Republic...the entire planet is one big city.
NEVETS : Wow! It's so huge!
OBI-SON : I like to think so...
EXT. CORUSCANT - SENATE LANDING PLATFORM - DAY
SUPREME CHANCELLOR MCMLXXVI, SEVERAL GUARDS, AND SENATOR XAHN STAND ON
A LANDING PLATFORM.
THE SLEEK NABOO SPACECRAFT LANDS ON THE PLATFORM HIGH ABOVE THE STREET
LEVEL OF THE GALACTIC CAPITAL. THE RAMP LOWERS. OBI-SON, DARI-DIUM, STAR-STAR AND NEVETS DESCEND THE RAMP FIRST AND BOW BEFORE XAHN AND MCMLXXVI. CAPTAIN D.M. ALA, TWO GUARDS, QUEEN DANCER, THEN STARLIGHT, CLEAR, EIRTAE, AND MORE GUARDS DESCEND THE RAMP. QUEEN DANCER STOPS BEFORE THE GROUP. NEVETS AND STAR-STAR STAND TO ONE SIDE, LOOKING AT THE HUGE CITY. STARLIGHT SMILES AT NEVETS. XAHN BOWS BEFORE THE QUEEN.
XAHN : It is a great gift to see you alive, Your Majesty. May I
present Supreme Chancellor Mcmlxxvi.
MCMLXXVI : Welcome, Your Highness. It is an honour to finally meet you in person. I must relay to you how distressed everyone is over the currant situation. I've called for a special sesSion of the Senate to hear your
position.
DANCER : What did you say your name was?
NEVETS, STAR-STAR, DANCER, XAHN, STARLIGHT, CLEAR AND EIRTAE CLIMB INTO A TAXI. XAHN GIVES THE GUNGAN AND THE BOY IN THE BACK OF THE TAXI A
SKEPTICAL LOOK. STAR-STAR LEANS OVER TO NEVETS.
MCMLXXVI AND THE GAT GOD WATCH THE TAXI MOVE OFF INTO THE CITY.
DARI-DIUM : I must speak with the GAT God Pantheon immediately, Your Honour. The situation has become more complicated.
OBI-SON : He got his ass kicked.
INT. XAHN'S QUARTERS - LIVING AREA - DAY
XAHN IS PACING AS CAPTAIN D.M. ALA ENTERS. EIRTAE AND CLEAR STAND TO ONE SIDE.
XAHN : ...the Republic is not what it once was. The Senate is full of
greedy, squabbling delegates who are only looking out for themselves and their home sytems. There is no interest in the common good...no civility, only politics...it’s much like the UN. I must be frank, Your Majesty, there is little chance the Senate will act on the invasion.
DANCER : Chancellor Mcmaless seems to think there is hope.
XAHN : If I may say so, Your Majesty, the Chancellor is a frickin’ moron. He is contolled by the ISP provider.
DANCER : What options do we have?
XAHN : Our best choice would be to push for the election of a stronger
Supreme Chancellor. One who will take control of the ISP, enforces
the laws, and give us justice. You could call for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Mcmlxxvi.
DANCER : He has been our strongest supporter. Is there any other way?
XAHN : Our only other choice would to be to submit a plea to the
courts...
DANCER : Screw that. The courts take even longer to decide. Our people are without porn, Senator...less and less each day. We must do something quickly to stop the Federation.
XAHN : To be realistic, Your Highness, I'd say we're going to have to
accept Federation control for the time being.
DANCER : There is something I cannot do.
INT. TEMPLE OF THE GAT GODS - PANTHEON CHAMBERS - DAY
DARI-DIUM STANDS IN A TALL STATELY ROOM. TWELVE GAT GODS SIT IN A SEMI-CIRCLE.
OBI-SON STANDS BEHIND DARI-DIUM IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM.
THE SENIOR GAT GOD IS TEGHITE WINDU. TO HIS LEFT IS AN ALIEN GAT GOD NAMED DROID-MASTER-ALA, AND TO HIS RIGHT, THE GAT GOD MASTER, BALDBRIT.
DARI-DIUM : ...my only conclusion can be that it was a Dev Lord.
TEGHITE WINDU : A Dev Lord?!? Bollocks!
DROID-MASTER-ALA : Impossible! The Dev have been extinct for a millenium.
BALDBRIT HAS NODDED OFF IN HIS CHAIR, TEGHITE PRODS HIM
BALDBRIT : Screwed could we be, if involved the Dev are.
TEGHITE WINDU : I do not believe they could have returned without us knowing.
BALDBRIT : Hard to see, the dark side is. Cataracts, have I.
DROID-MASTER-ALA : I sense the assassin will reveal himself again.
TEGHITE WINDU : This attack was with purpose, that is clear, and I agree the Queen is the target.
BALDBRIT : With this Naboo queen you must stay, Dari-Dium. Protect her you will, or on the line your ass will be.
TEGHITE WINDU : We will use all our resources here to unravel this mystery and discover the identity of your attacker... May the b33r be with you.
BALDBRIT : May the b33r be with you.
OBI-SON TURNS TO LEAVE, BUT DARI-DIUM CONTINUES TO FACE THE PANTHEON.
BALDBRIT : Master Dari-Dium more to say have you?
DARI-DIUM : With your permission, my Master. I have encountered a vergence in the b33r.
BALDBRIT : A vergence, you say?
TEGHITE WINDU : Located around a person?
DARI-DIUM : A boy... his cells have the highest concentration of
midi-chlorians I have seen in a life form.
BALDBRIT : True this cannot be! The strongest am I!
TEGHITE WINDU : You're referring to the prophesy of the one who will bring balance to the b33r...you believe it's this boy?
DROID-MASTER-ALA : I’ve never understood this prophesy, does balance mean the number of GAT Gods and Devs is the same, or that all the Dev are wiped out?
BALDBRIT : Get into this, we should not. Strained topic this is.
DARI-DIUM : I request the boy be tested.
THE GAT GODS ALL LOOK TO ONE ANOTHER. THEY NOD AND TURN BACK TO OBI-SON AND DARI-DIUM.
BALDBRIT : Trained as a GAT God, you request for him?
DARI-DIUM : Finding him was the will of the b33r... I have no doubt of that. There is too much happening here...
TEGHITE WINDU : Before us, bring him you will.
BALDBRIT : Mock me, do not!
INT. QUEENS QUARTERS - CORUSCANT - DAY
THE DOORS OPEN, AND NEVETS ENTERS THE QUEEN'S QUARTERS. CLEAR GREETS NEVETS AS TWO OTHER HANDMAIDENS COME AND GO INTO THE NEXT ROOM.
NEVETS : I'd like to speak with Starlight, if I could.
CLEAR : I'm sorry, Nevvie. Starlight is not here right now.
THE QUEEN SPEAKS OUT IN THE NEXT ROOM.
DANCER : Who is it?
CLEAR : Nevets Boardwalker, to see Starlight, Your Highness.
DANCER : Tell him to go away.
NEVETS : Where is she, Your Majesty?
DANCER : I've sent Starlight on an errand.
NEVETS : I'm going to the GAT God temple to start my training, I hope.
THE QUEEN JUST STARES AT HIM.
NEVETS : (Cont'd) I may not see her again...and... I just wanted to say
goodbye.
DANCER : I’ll tell her, but I’m not sure she’ll care.
NEVETS bows again.
NEVETS : Thank you, Your Highness. I'm sorry to have disturbed you. (under his breath) Bitch.
INT. MAIN ROTUNDA - GALACTIC SENATE - DAY
THE SENATE CHAMBERS ARE HUGE. THOUSANDS OF SENATORS AND THEIR AIDES SIT IN THEIR WEIRD FLOATY PLATFORMS. CHANCELLOR MCMLXXVI SITS IN AN ELEVATED AREA IN THE CENTER. SENATOR XAHN, QUEEN DANCER, EIRTA, CLEAR, AND CAPTAIN D.M. ALA SIT IN THE NABOO BOX
MCMLXXVI : The Chair recognizes the Senator from the sovereign system of Naboo.
THE NABOO CONGRESSIONAL BOX FLOATS INTO THE CENTER.
XAHN : Supreme Chancellor, delegates of the Senate. A tragedy has
occurred on our peaceful system of Naboo. We have become caught in a dispute you're all well aware of, which began right here with the taxation of Spam routes, and has now engulfed our entire planet in the oppression of the Spam Federation.
DANCER : (whispers) I still don’t understand what’s going on.
CAPTAIN D.M. ALA : We don’t have time for this Your Majesty, just go with it.
XAHN : To state our allegations, I present Queen Dancer, the recently
elected ruler of Naboo, to speak on our behalf.
DANCER : Honourable representatives of the Republic, distinguished
delegates, and Your Honour Supreme Chancellor Mucmalsex, I come to you under the gravest of circumstances. The Naboo system has been invaded by force. Invaded...against all the laws of the Republic by the Droid Armies of the Spam...
THE SPAM FEDERATION BOX FLOATS INTO THE CENTER. LOTT DOD, THE SPAM FEDERATION REPRESENTATIVE, STANDS UP
LOTT DOD : She’s a bloody liar!
MCMLXXVI : Prove it haddock boy.
LOTT DOD : Your Honour, you cannot allow us to be condemned without
reasonable observation. We insist you send a committee to investigate her accusations.
A THIRD BOX REPRESENTING MALASTARE MOVES INTO THE CENTER OF THE ROOM. AOL MOE, THE AMBASSADOR, ADDRESSES THE CONVENTION.
AOL MOE : The Congress of Malastare concurs with the honourable delegate from the Spam Federation. A commission must be appointed...that is the law.
MCMLXXVI CONFERS WITH SEVERAL OF HIS AIDES AND VICE CHAIRMAN WOOD STOCK. XAHN WHISPERS SOMETHING TO THE QUEEN.
XAHN : Enter the ISP, the true rulers of the Republic, and on
the payroll of the Spam Federation, I might add. This is where Chancellor Mcmlxxvi's strength will disappear.
MCMLXXVI : The point is conceded...Section 523A take precedence here. Queen dancer of the Naboo, will you defer your motion to allow a commission to explore the validity of your accusations?
DANCER : (angrily) Oh yes, don’t worry. I’ll let you send a bunch of morons to take a survey while my people go without porn! Bugger that! If this body is not capable of action, I suggest new leadership is needed. I move for a "vote of no confidence" in Chancellor Mcmlvix... Mikalwhite... the Chancellor’s leadership. I believe he is incompetent, and his name is far too complicated to pronounce!
MCMLXXVI : What?...No!
THIS CAUSES A GREAT STIR IN THE ASSEMBLY. A LOUD MURMUR CRESCENDOS INTO A ROAR OF APPROVAL AND JEERS. CHANCELLOR MCMLXXVI IS STUNNED AND STARTS TO CRY. HIS VICE CHAIR, WOOD STOCK, TAKES OVER.
WOOD STOCK : Order! We shall have order...
CIKALA ORGANA : There must be no delays. The motion is on the floor and must be voted upon in this session.
LOTT DOD : No! The Spam Federation moves the motion be sent to the procedures committee for study.
CIKALA ORGANA GRABS HIS CHAIR AND JUMPS INTO THE SPAM FEDERATION’S PLATFORM, WHERE HE BEGINS TO BEAT ON LOTT DOD
THE ASSEMBLY BEGINS TO CHANT.
ASSEMBLY : Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
EXT. PALACE OF THE GAT GODS - BALCONY - SUNSET
OBI-SON and DARI-DIUM stand outside the palace on a balcony.
OBI-SON : The boy will not pass the Pantheon's tests, Master, and you know it. He is far too blonde.
DARI-DIUM : Nevets will become a GAT God.
OBI-SON : Don't defy the Pantheon, Master. The last time you did that, they made you train me. Do you really want to go through that again?
DARI-DIUM : Good point Obi-Son.
OBI-SON : Master, you could be sitting on the Pantheon by now if you would just follow the Service Agreement . They will not go along with you this time.
DARI-DIUM : You still have much to learn, my young apprentice.
OBI-SON : You never get bored of saying that, do you?
INT. PALACE OF THE GAT GODS - PANTHEON CHAMBERS - SUNSET
NEVETS STANDS BEFORE THE TWELVE GAT GODS. TEGHITE WINDU HOLDS A SMALL HAND-HELD VIEWING SCREEN. IN RAPID SUCCESSION, IMAGES FLASH ACROSS THE SCREEN.
NEVETS : A ship...a cup...a topless woman.
TEGHITE WINDU TURNS THE VIEWING SCREEN OFF AND NODS TOWARD BALDBRIT.
BALDBRIT : Good, good, young one. How feel you?
NEVETS : Cold, sir.
BALDBRIT : Wear a vest, should you.
NEVETS : Yes, sir.
BALDBRIT : Afraid are you?
NEVETS : No, sir. I am a little freaked out by the way you look though. What happened to you? Were you beaten up with an ugly stick?
BALDBRIT : Wookiee, I once was. Botched plastic surgery did I have.
TEGHITE WINDU : Don’t get started on that again, you were compensated. How many other GAT Gods do you know with a Mercedes? Now boy, how do you feel?
NEVETS HESITATES FOR A MOMENT.
BALDBRIT : See through you, we can.
TEGHITE WINDU : Be mindful of your feelings...
DROID-MASTER-ALA : Your thoughts dwell on your mother. We can see her.
BALDBRIT : Hottie she is.
NEVETS : I miss her.
BALDBRIT : Afraid to lose her. Mommas boy, are you.
NEVETS : (a little angry) What's that got to do with anything?
BALDBRIT : Everything. Fear is the path to the dark side... Fear leads to anger... anger leads to hate... hate leads to suffering.
TEGHITE WINDU : That’s a cool saying. Hey, can I use that?
NEVETS : (angrily) I am not afraid!
TEGHITE WINDU : Don’t be afraid. Fear leads to anger... anger leads to temper tantrums. No wait, what was it?
BALDBRIT : A GAT God must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. I sense much fear in you.
NEVETS : (quietly) I am not afraid.
TEGHITE WINDU : Fear leads to sweaty palms... sweaty palms lead to slippery handshakes... Dangit! Baldbrit, can you write it down for me?
INT. XAHNS QUARTERS - SUNSET
QUEEN DANCER IS STANDING, STARING OUT THE WINDOW, WITH STAR-STAR. THE LIGHTS OF THE CITY SHIMMER BEFORE THEM. EIRTAE AND SABE STAND NEAR THE DOOR. STAR-STAR TURNS TO FACE THE QUEEN AND SEES HER SADNESS.
STAR-STAR : Yousa tinken yousa people ganna die?
DANCER : Please go away.
STAR-STAR : Gungans ganna get pasted too, eh?
DANCER : Let’s hope so.
STAR-STAR : Gungans do die'n without a fight.... wesa warriors. Wesa gotta grand army. Dat why you no liken us, metinks.
DANCER : Do I need to call the guards?
XAHN AND CAPTAIN D.M. ALA RUSH INTO THE ROM AND BOW BEFORE THE QUEEN.
CAPT. D.M. ALA : Your Highness, Senator Xahn has been nominated to
succeed Mcmlxxvi as Supreme Chancellor.
DANCER : You’re kidding! He’ll be even worse than Mcmlmix, Mcmlmn, whatsisname! He’s senile! No offence Senator.
XAHN : None taken, Your Majesty. I promise, Your Majesty, if I am elected, I will bring democracy back to the Republic. I will put an end to corruption. The Spam Federation will lose its influence over the bureaucrats, and our people will be freed.
DANCER : And you’ll make the trains run on time? I’ve heard this before...
CAPT. D.M. ALA : Cikala Antilles of Alderaan and Ainlee Teem of Malastare.
DANCER : I fear by the time you have control of the bureaucrats, Senator, there will be nothing left of our people, they’re virtually pornless!
XAHN : I understand your concern, Your Majesty; unfortunately, the
Federation has possession of our planet, they control the flow of porn.
DANCER : There is nothing more I can do here...Senator, this is your arena. I feel I must return to mine. I have decided to go back to Naboo. My place is with my people.
XAHN : Go back!! But, Your Majesty, be realistic! You would be in
danger. They will force you to sign the treaty.
DANCER : I will sign no treaty, Senator. My fate will be no different from that of our people. Captain!
CAPT. D.M. ALA : Yes, Your Highness?
DANCER : Ready my ship!
CAPT. D.M. ALA : Certainly. Umm, you don’t want me to come with you to the dangerous, occupied planet without porn do you?
QUEEN DANCER LOOKS AT CAPT. D.M. ALA
CAPT. D.M. ALA : Damn.
INT. TEMPLE OF THE GAT GODS - PANTHEON CHAMBERS - TWILIGHT
NEVETS, OBI-SON, and DARI-DIUM stand before the TWELVE MEMBERS OF THE GAT GOD PANTHEON.
BALDBRIT : Correct you were, Dari-Dium.
TEGHITE WINDU : His cells contain a high concentration of midi-chlorians.
DROID-MASTER-ALA : The b33r is strong with him.
DARI-DIUM : He's to be trained, then.
TEGHITE WINDU : No. He will not be trained.
NEVETS IS CRESTFALLEN; TEARS BEGIN TO FORM IN HIS EYES.
DARI-DIUM : WTF?
OBI-SON smiles.
TEGHITE WINDU : He is too blonde. And he’s as annoying as your current student. We have no wish to go through that again.
DARI-DIUM : He is the chosen one...you must see it.
DROID-MASTER-ALA : You’re always bringing us chosen ones! Last month it was the Rodian, the month before that it was that baby Rancor!
TEGHITE WINDU : Last year you claimed that the chosen one was a spoon!
DARI-DIUM : I’m sure this time!
BALDBRIT : Say that, you always do. A chosen one you always find, after absinthe you have drank. Train him, we will not.
DARI-DIUM : I will train him, then. I take Nevets as my Padawan learner.
OBI-SON : Hey! What am I? Chopped liver?
BALDBRIT : An apprentice, you have, Dari-Dium. Impossible, to take on a second.
TEGHITE WINDU : We forbid it.
DARI-DIUM : Why do you never listen to me?
BALDBRIT : Neutral GAT God are you. Commit to light b33r or dark b33r you will not. Problems with commitment have you.
TEGHITE WINDU : Now is not the time for this...the Senate is voting for a new Supreme Chancellor. Queen Dancer is returning home. And there’s a Knight Rider marathon on tonight that I want to get back home for.
DROID-MASTER-ALA : Events are moving fast...too fast.
TEGHITE WINDU : Go with the Queen to Naboo and discover the identity of the dark warrior. That is the clue we need to unravel this mystery of the Dev.
DROID-MASTER-ALA : The Mystery Of The Dev! That would’ve been a much better title than "The Phantom Poster"
BALDBRIT : Too late it is, contracts already signed are.
EXT. CORUSCANT - SENATE LANDING PLATFORM - NIGHT
OBI-SON : It is not disrespect, Master, it is the truth.
DARI-DIUM : From your point of view....
OBI-SON : You’re always going on about points of view. I hope I never get as morally ambiguous as you.
OBI-SON STOMPS ONTO THE NABOO SPACECRAFT FOLLOWED BY DB-JEMZ2. DARI-DIUM GOES OVER TO NEVETS.
NEVETS : Master Dari-Dium, sir, I do not wish to be a problem.
DARI-DIUM : You won't be, Nevvie....I'm not allowed to train you, so I want you to watch me and be mindful.
NEVETS : Isn’t that following the command to the letter, if not the spirit?
DARI-DIUM : Only from a certain point of view.
OBI-SON : (from inside the ship) Ha!
NEVETS : Master, sir...I've been wondering...what are midi-chlorians?
DARI-DIUM : Midi-chlorians are a Star Trek-like mumbo-jumbo term for what used to be a fascinating concept. Please don’t mention them again.
NEVETS : I don't understand.
DARI-DIUM : With time and training, Nevvie...you will.
TWO TAXIS PULL UP, AND CAPTAIN D.M. ALA, SENATOR XAHN, TWENTY OR SO
TROOPS, GUARDS, AND OFFICERS WALK BRISKLY TOWARD THE SHIP, FOLLOWED BY
QUEEN DANCER, STARLIGHT, EIRTAE, AND FINALLY, STAR-STAR. DANCER AND HER
HANDMAIDENS STOP BEFORE THE GAT GOD.
DARI-DIUM : Your Highness, it is our pleasure to continue to serve and... Damn it! You’re bringing Star-Star!
DANCER : I am sorry. The entire population of Coruscant signed a petition do get him off the planet.
THEY ALL MOVE ONTO THE SHIP. THE SHIP TAKES OFF.
INT. NABOO PALACE - THRONE ROOM - THEED - NIGHT
NENRO AND STARGAZER STAND BEFORE A HOLOGRAM OF DARTH SHUGGNIX.
DARTH SHUGGNIX : Viceroy, is the planet secure?
NENRO : Yes, my Lord, we have taken over the last pockets of primitive life forms. We are in complete control of the planet now. You should see their supply of porn! It’s enormous!
DARTH SHUGGNIX : Good, I look forward to seeing it. I am sending Darth Quid to join you. He will deal with the GAT Gods.
NENRO : Yes, my Lord.
DARTH SHUGGNIX FADES OFF.
STARGAZER : A Dev lord here with us?!!
NENRO : Damn it! I’m going to change my pants again...
INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - QUEEN'S CHAMBERS
SABE AND EIRTAE STAND BEHIND QUEEN DANCER AS SHE TALKS WITH DARI-DIUM AND CAPTAIN D.M. ALA. OBI-SON AND STAR-STAR WATCH.
CAPT. D.M. ALA : The moment we land the Federation will arrest you, and force you to sign the treaty.
DARI-DIUM : I cannot fight a war for you, Your Highness, only protect you.
DANCER : Star-Star Binks!
STAR-STAR LOOKS AROUND, PUZZLED.
STAR-STAR : Mesa, Your Highness?
DANCER : Yes. I need your help.
OBI-SON AND DARI-DIUM STIFLE THEIR LAUGHTER
EXT. NABOO SWAMP LAKE - DAY
STAR-STAR EXITS THE SWAMP LAKE AND WALKS OVER TO QUEEN DANCER, CAPTAIN
D.M. ALA, OBI-SON, AND DARI-DIUM. STARLIGHT, EIRTAE, CLEAR, NEVETS, AND DB-JEMZ2, FOUR PILOTS, AND EIGHT GUARDS STAND IN THE BACKGROUND NEAR THE STARSHIP.
STAR-STAR : Dare-sa nobody dare. All gone. Some kinda fight, I tink. Sorry, no Gungas...no Gungas.
CAPT. D.M. ALA : Do you think they have been taken to camps?
OBI-SON : More likely they were wiped out.
DARI-DIUM : Let’s hope so.
STAR-STAR : No...mesa no tink so. Gungan hiden. When in trouble, go to sacred place. Mackineeks no find them dare.
CAPT. D.M. ALA : Do you know where they are?
EXT. NABOO SACRED TEMPLE RUINS - DAY
STAR-STAR, QUEEN DANCER, NEVETS, DB-JEMZ2, DARI-DIUM, OBI-SON, STARLIGHT, CLEAR, EIRTAE, AND THE REST OF HER GROUP ARE LED THROUGH A CLEARING FULL OF GUNGAN REFUGEES. AT THE FAR END ARE THE RUINS OF A GRAND TEMPLE WITH MASSIVE CARVED HEADS. BOSS RYDER AND SEVERAL OTHER COUNCIL MEMBERS WALK OUT ON THE TOP OF A THREE-QUARTER-SUBMERGED HEAD.
BOSS RYDER : Star-Star, yousa payen dis time. Who's da uss-en others??
QUEEN DANCER STEPS FORWARD. CAPTAIN D.M. ALA AND THE GAT GODS STAND BEHIND HER.
DANCER : We wish to form an alliance...
SUDDENLY, STARLIGHT STEPS FORWARD.
STARLIGHT : Your Honor...
DB-JEMZ2 WHISTLES A QUIET "UH OH."
BOSS RYDER : Whosa dis?
STARLIGHT : I am Queen Dancer (points to Queen) This is my decoy...my
protection...my loyal bodyguard.
DARI-DIUM : I knew that.
OBI-WAN : Umm, so did I master.
STARLIGHT : (Cont'd) ...I am sorry for my deception, but under the
circumstances it has become necessary to protect myself. Although we do not always agree, Your Honor, our two great societies have always lived in peace...until now. The Spam Federation has destroyed all that we have worked so hard to build. You are in hiding, my people are in camps. If we do not act quickly, all will be lost forever...I ask you to help us...no, I beg you to help us.
STARLIGHT DROPS TO HER KNEES AND PROSTRATES HERSELF BEFORE BOSS RYDER. THERE IS A GASP FROM CAPTAIN D.M. ALA, HIS TROOPS, AND THE HANDMAIDENS.
STARLIGHT : (Cont'd) We are your humble servants...our fate is in your hands.
SLOWLY, CAPTAIN D.M. ALA AND HIS TROOPS BOW DOWN BEFORE THE GUNGAN COUNCIL. THEN THE HANDMAIDENS, NEVETS, AND FINALLY THE GAT GODS. THE GUNGANS ARE PUZZLED BY THIS. BOSS RYDER BEGINS TO LAUGH.
BOSS RYDER : Yousa no tinken yousa greater den da Gungans.. Mesa like dis. Maybe wesa bein friends. But yousa gotta give mesa yousa decoy. Mesa liksa her...
THE FAKE DANCER LOOKS NERVOUS
EXT. NABOO EDGE OF SWAMP/ GRASS PLAINS - DAY
A GUNGAN SENTRY SITS ON TOP OF THE ANCIENT TEMPLE HEAH, SEARCHING THE
LANDSCAPE WITH A PAIR OF ELECTROBINOCULARS. HE SEES SOMETHING AND YELLS
DOWN TO NEVETS AT THE FOOT OF THE STATUE.
GUNGAN OBBI : Daza comen!
NEVETS : All right. They're here!
NEVETS YELLS AND RUNS OVER TO STARLIGHT AND THE GAT GODS, WHO ARE DISCUSSING A BATTLE PLAN WITH FIVE GUNGAN GENERALS. SABE AND EIRTAE STAND NEARBY. BOSS NASS PUTS HIS ARM AROUND STAR-STAR.
BOSS RYDER : Yousa doen grand. Star-Star bringen da Naboo together.
STAR-STAR : Oh, no, no, no...
BOSS RYDER : So, wesa maken yousa Bombad General.
STAR-STAR : General??! Oh, no..
STAR-STAR'S EYES ROLL BACK, HIS TONGUE FLOPS OUT AND HE FAINTS.
BOSS RYDER : Wesa hopens yousa getting killed in dee firsta attacksa.
FOUR SPEEDERS PULL UP TO THE GROUP. CAPTAIN D.M. ALA AND A DOZEN OR SO
GUARDS AND PILOT PILE OUT AND JOIN THE GROUP.
STARLIGHT : What is the situation?
CAPT. D.M. ALA : The Federation Army's also much larger than we thought, and much stronger. Your Highness, this is a battle I do not think we can win.
STARLIGHT : The battle is a diversion. The Gungans must draw the Droid Army away from the cities. We can enter the city using the secret passages on the waterfall side. Once we get to the main entrance, Capt. D.M. ALA will create a diversion, so that we can enter the palace and capture the Viceroy. Without the Viceroy, they will be lost and confused.
BOSS RYDER : Eesa good thing. Mesa being stockpilingen weapons sinsa mesa was a spawn. Mesa laugen at thosa whosa wanten boomer control lawsa!
DARI-DIUM AND OBI-SON LOOK ON WITHOUT INTEREST.
STARLIGHT : (Cont'd) What do you think, Master GAT God?
OBI-SON : I’m not that bothered really.
DARI-DIUM : There is a possibility with this diversion many Gungans will be killed.
BOSS RYDER : Wesa ready to do are-sa part. Eyesa goings to hidden anywaysa.
STAR-STAR SMILES A VERY WORRIED AND SHEEPISH GRIN. NEVETS WATCHES WITH
INTEREST, AS DOES DB-JEMZ2.
INT. THEED - PALACE - THRONE ROOM - DAY
NENRO, STARGAZER, DARTH QUID, SOLSIXXA-9, and a hologram of DARTH SHUGGNIX walk through the throne room.
DARTH SHUGGNIX : ...she is more foolish than I thought.
NENRO : We are sending all available troops to meet this army of hers
assembling near the swamp. It appears to be made up of primitives. We do not expect much resistance.
SOLSIXXA-9 : I am increasing security at all Naboo detention camps.
DARTH QUID : I feel there is more to this, My Master. The two GAT Gods may be using the Queen for their own purposes.
DARTH SHUGGNIX : The GAT Gods cannot become involved. They can only protect the Queen. Even Dari-Dium Jinn will not break that covenant.... This will work to our advantage...
NENRO : I have your approval to proceed then, My Lord.
DARTH SHUGGNIX : Proceed. Wipe them put...all of them.
NENRO : Damn it! Where did I put those spare pants?
INT. NABOO SWAMP LAKE - DAY
HUNDREDS OF GUNGAN WARRIORS MARCH IN LONG LINES TOWARD THE HORIZON.
FEDERATION TANKS MOVE UP TO A RIDGE AND STOP. IN THE DISTANCE THEY SEE THE GUNGAN ARMY MARCHING TOWARD THEM. THE GUNGAN GENERAL CEEL SEES THE TANKS ON THE RIDGE AND ORDERS A HALT. THE GUNGANS ARE SPREAD OUT IN A LARGE LINE. STAR-STAR IS NERVOUS. GENERAL CEEL SIGNALS TO THE SHIELD OPERATORS.
GENERAL CEEL : Energize the shields.
A RED RAY SHOOTS OUT OF THE GENERATOR AND BLASTS INTO A LARGE DISH ON THE BACK OF A SECOND FAAMBA AND SPREADS LIKE AN UMBRELLA OVER THE ASSEMBLED WARRIORS.
AS ONE, THE GUNGAN ARMY TURNS AROUND AND MOONS THE FEDERATION’S ARMY
EXT. THEED - CENTRAL PLAZA - DAY
STARLIGHT, FOLLOWED BY EIRTAE, OBI-SON, DARI-DIUM, NEVETS, AND DB-JEMZ2, STEALTHILY MAKES HER WAY TOWARD THE ENTRANCE TO THE MAIN HANGER. THEY ARE FOLLOWED BY ABOUT TWENTY NABOO GUARDS, PILOTS, AND TROOPS. THEY STOP, AND STARLIGHT USES A SMALL RED LASER LIGHT TO SIGNAL ACROSS THE PLAZA TO CAPTAIN D.M. ALA, CLEAR AND TWENTY OTHER ASSORTED NABOO TROOPS. THEY SIGNAL BACK. DARI-DIUM LEANS OVER TO NEVETS.
OBI-SON : This is just like Metal Gear Solid, Master!
OBI-SON FINDS A CARDBOARD BOX AND SPENDS THE NEXT HOUR WANDERING AROUND IN IT
DROID TROOPS MILL ABOUT THE TANK-FILLED PLAZA. AT THE FAR END OF THE PLAZA, SEVERAL DROIDS BEGIN TO RUN AND FIRE. NABOO SOLDIERS BEGIN TO FIRE BACK AT THE BATTLE DROIDS.
AS THE RUCKUS ERUPTS AT ONE END OF THE PLAZA, STARLIGHT AND HER TROOPS RUSH INTO THE MAIN HANGER. CAPTAIN D.M. ALA AND HIS SOLDIERS CONTINUE TO ENGAGE THE DROIDS OUTSIDE.
INT. THEED - CENTRAL HANGER - DAY
ALARMS ARE SOUNDING. STARLIGHT, THE GAT GODS, NEVETS, EIRTAE, AND STARLIGHT'S TROOPS RUSH INTO THE HANGER. BATTLE DROIDS BEGIN FIRING AT THEM AS THEY RUN FOR COVER. NEVETS RUNS UNDER A NABOO FIGHTER. THE GAT GODS DEFLECT BOLTS AIMED AT STARLIGHT BACK ONTO THE BATTLE DROIDS, CAUSING THEM TO EXPLODE.
INT. THEED - PALACE THRONE ROOM - DAY
NENRO, STARGAZER, AND FOUR COUNCIL MEMBERS WATCH THE PLAZA BATTLE ON A LARGE VIEW SCREEN.
NENRO : I thought the battle was going to take place far from here...this is too close!
STARGAZER : Shall I fetch the pants?
EXT. NABOO GRASS PLAINS - DAY
THE FEDERATION TANKS BEGIN TO FIRE ON THE MOONING GUNGANS, BUT THEY ARE PROTECTED BY THEIR ENERGY SHIELD. THE TANKS STOP FIRING, AND THE GUNGANS SLAP THEIR ASSES, UNTIL THEY SEE THE DOORS TO THE MASSIVE TRANSPORTS OPEN, AND RACKS OF BATTLE DROIDS ARE PULLED OUT AND LINED UP BY A SQUAD OF STAPS.
THE BATTLE DROIDS RECONFIGURE INTO THEIR STANDING POSITION. THE GUNGANS GET READY FOR AN ATTACK. SOLSIXXA-9 GIVES THE COMMAND TO MOVE FORWARD, AND THOUSANDS OF DROIDS MARCH TOWARD THE GUNGANS.
THE GUNGANS PULL UP THEIR TROUSERS AND POWER UP THEIR WEAPONS. THE DROIDS SLOWLY MARCH THROUGH THE PROTECTIVE SHIELD AND START FIRING. THE GUNGANS THROW THEIR POWER POLES AND FLING SMALL BALLS OF ENERGY WITH SLINGSHOTS. THE WARRIORS DUMP LARGE BALLS OF ENERGY INTO MORTARS THAT HEAT UP AND FIRE THE ENERGY GOO ONTO THE BATTLE DROIDS, CAUSING THEM TO SHORT OUT. THE BATTLE RAGES AND THE GUNGANS DEFEND THEIR SHIELD GENERATORS AGAINST THE ARMY OF DROIDS. SOLSIXXA-9 WATCHES FROM A TANK ON A HILL OVERLOOKING THE BATTLE.
INT. THEED - CENTRAL HANGER - DAY
NEVETS HIDES BEHIND ONE OF THE NABOO FIGHTERS, DUCKING AS LARGE BOLTS WHIZ PAST AND EXPLODE NEAR HIM. STARLIGHT AND THE TWO GAT GODS DESTROY BATTLE DROIDS RIGHT AND LEFT. THE QUEEN'S TROOPS AND EIRTAE ALSO BLAST AWAY AT THE DROIDS. STARLIGHT SIGNALS TO HER PILOTS.
STARLIGHT : Get to your ships!
PILOT : You’d think she was doing us a favour...
THE PILOTS AND DB-JEMZ2 UNITS RUN FOR THE NABOO FIGHTER CRAFT STACKED IN THE HANGER BAY. THE NABOO STARFIGHTERS EXIT THE MAIN HANGER. A TANK FIRES AT THEM, HITTING ONE OF THEM, WHICH CAUSES IT TO PINWHEEL INTO THE GROUND AND EXPLODE.
INT. THEED - CENTRAL HANGER - DAY
CAPTAIN D.M. ALA, SABE AND NABOO TROOPS RUSH INTO THE HANGER AND OVERWHELM THE FEW REMAINING BATTLE DROIDS. STARLIGHT, OBI-SON, AND DARI-DIUM JOIN FORCES WITH CAPTAIN D.M. ALA. THEY ALL START TO HEAD FOR THE EXIT, ON THE WAY PASSING THE FIGHTER WHERE NEVETS IS HIDING. DB-JEMZ2 WHISTLES A GREETING AS NEVETS PEEPS OUT OF THE COCKPIT HE IS HDING IN.
NEVETS : Hey! Wait for me.
DARI-DIUM : No, Nevvie, you stay there. Stay right where you are.
NEVETS : But, I...
DARI-DIUM : Stay in that cockpit.
THEY HEAD FOR THE EXIT. THE DOOR OPENS, REVEALING DARTH QUID STANDING IN THE DOORWAY. DRAMATIC MUSIC STARTS UP AS CAPTAIN D.M. ALA, STARLIGHT, AND HER TROOPS BACK AWAY. DARI-DIUM AND OBI-SON STEP FORWARD.
CAPT. D.M. ALA : Nice to see John Williams hasn’t lost it.
DARI-DIUM : We'll handle this...
THE TWO GAT GODS TAKE OFF THEIR CAPES AND IGNITE THEIR FLAMESABERS. DARTH QUID TAKES OFF HIS CAPE, AND IGNITES HIS FLAMESABER. SUDDENLY, THE OTHER END OF THE FLAMESABER IGNITES AS WELL.
DARI-DIUM : WTF!?!
OBI-SON : Hey! That’s not fair!
THE GAT GODS BEGIN TO FIGHT THE DEV LORD AS EVERYONE ELSE RUNS OFF TO CHANGE THEIR TROUSERS.
NEVETS : Are you bored DB?
DB-JEMZ2 WHISTLES A REPLY. SUDDENLY, THE SHIP'S SYSTEMS GO ON, AND THE SHIP BEGINS TO LEVITATE.
NEVETS : Great idea! Let's see go shoot something!
THE GAT GODS ARE ENGAGED IN A FIERCE SWORD FIGHT WITH DARTH QUID. THEY HAVE MOVED INTO THE CENTER OF THE HANGER. QUID’S MOVES ARE INCREDIBLE. HE IS FIGHTING THE TWO GAT GODS AT ONCE, FLIPPING INTO THE AIR, OUTMANOEUVRING THEM AT EVERY TURN.
INT. NABOO STARFIGHTER - COCKPIT - SPACE
THE NABOO FLEET LEAVES THE PLANET AND HEADS TOWARD THE SPACE STATION.
BRAVO NEWF : Bravo Flight A, take on the fighters. Flight B, make the run on the transmitter.
BRAVO CAZ : Roger, Bravo Leader.
THE FLEET APPROACHES THE SPACE STATION. MANY FEDERATION FIGHTERS EXIT THE HANGERS AND ATTACK.
BRAVO NEWF : Sweet Jeebus! Enemy fighters straight ahead!
EXT. NABOO GRASS PLAINS - DAY
THE GUNGAN BATTLE CONTINUES. NO-ONE CARES.
INT. THEED - CENTRAL HANGER - DAY
THE DEV LORD DRIVES THE GAT GODS OUT OF THE HANGER AND INTO THE POWER GENERATOR AREA NEXT DOOR. THREE SWORDS ARE CROSSED IN AN INTENSE DISPLAY OF SWORDMANSHIP. THE GAT GODS AND THE DEV LORD FIGHT THEIR WAY ACROSS THE NARROW BRIDGE OF THE THEED POWER GENERATOR. DARTH QUID JUMPS ONTO THE BRIDGE ABOVE THEM. THE GAT GODS FOLLOW, ONE IN FRONT OF THE DEV LORD AND ONE BEHIND. THEY CONTINUE THEIR SWORD FIGHT.
EXT . NABOO GRASS PLAINS DAY
THE GUNGANS ARE STILL FIGHTING. HUNDREDS ARE ALREADY DEAD, AND YET STILL NO-ONE CARES.
INT. NABOO STARFIGHTER - COCKPIT -SPACE
NEVETS FINDS HIMSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SPACE BATTLE. A SHIP EXPLODES
BEHIND HIM.
NEVETS : Whoo, boy! This is tense!
DB-JEMZ2 BEEPS WORRIEDLY
ANAKN : No, it’s OK DB, I don’t mean I need a massage.
DB-JEMZ2 SCREAMs.
NEVETS : What enemy ships?
AN ENEMY FIGHTER COMES INTO HIS SIGHTS. NEVETS PUSHES THE CONTROLS AND
INSTEAD OF FIRING, HIS FIGHTER ACCELERATES PAST THE ENEMY SHIP.
NEVETS : Oops! Whoa!
NOW THE ENEMY SHIP IS ON HIS TAIL. HE TRIES EVASIVE MANEAUVERS.
NEVETS : I'll try spitting, that's a good trick.
NEVETS LEANS HIS HEAD OUT OF THE WINDOW AND SPITS AT THE OTHER SHIP AS DB-JEMZ2 SCREAMS DESPERATELY.
INT. NABOO STARFIGHTER - COCKPIT - SPACE
THE SQUADRON ATTACKS THE SPACE STATION.
BRAVO NEWF : Their deflector shield is too strong. We'll never get through it.
BRAVO CAZ : You’re always so negative! Think positive thoughts, and positive things will happen to you!
BRAVO CAZ IS HIT BY ENEMY FIRE AND EXPLODES
BRAVO NEWF : Thank god for that...
MEANWHILE, NEVETS IS BEING CHASED BY ANOTHER FIGHTER. DB-JEMZ2 SHRIEKS.
NEVETS : I know, DB-Jemz2! This isn't Modracing!
THE ENEMY SHIP FIRES AND HITS NEVETS'S FIGHTER, SENDING IT INTO A SPIN.
DB-JEMZ2 SCREAMS.
NEVETS : We're hit!
DB-JEMZ2 BEEPS FURIOUSLY
NEVETS : I do not suck!
NEVETS REGAINS CONTROL AS HIS SHIP ENTERS THE SPACE STATION HANGER. NEVETS'S SHIP DODGES PARKED TRANSPORT SHIPS AND OTHER OBSTACLES. A HUGE
BULKHEAD BLOCKS HIS WAY. DB-JEMZ2 BEEPS. NEVETS HITS THE REVERSE THRUSTERS AND THE SHIP SKIDS TO A STOP ON THE HANGER DECK. DB-JEMZ2 GIVESOUT A WORRIED WHISTLE.
NEVETS : All right! All right! I suck! Just get the system started!
INT. THEED - POWER GENERATOR PIT - DAY
THE FLAMESABER BATTLE CONTINUES ON THE SMALL CATWALK AROUND THE VAST POWER PIT. DARTH QUID KICKS OBI-SON OFF ONE OF THE RAMPS AND HE FALLS SEVERAL LEVELS.
OBI-SON : Ow! That’s cheating!
DARI-DIUM KNOCKS THE DARK LORD OFF ANOTHER RAMP, AND HE LANDS HARD ON A RAMP TWO LEVELS BELOW. DARI-DIUM JUMPS DOWN AFTER HIM. THE DARK LORD BACKS AWAY ALONG THE CATWALK INTO A SMALL DOOR. DARI-DIUM FOLLOWS AS OBI-SON RUNS TO CATCH UP.
INT. THEED - POWER GENERATOR ELECRIC BEAM - HALLWAY
THE DEV LORD, FOLLOWED BY DARI-DIUM, ENTERS A LONG HALLWAY FILLED WITH A SERIES OF DEADLY RAYS THAT GO ON AND OFF IN A PULSING PATTERN THAT SHOOTS DOWN THE CORRIDOR EVERY MINUTE OR SO. DARTH QUID MAKES IT DOWN SEVERAL WALLS OF DEADLY RAYS BEFORE THEY CLOSE. DARI-DIUM IS ONE WALL AWAY FROM THE DARK LORD. OBI-SON IS JUST STARTING INTO IT AND IS FIVE WALLS WAY FROM DARTH QUID.
DARI-DIUM : What the hell are these wall things? They don’t seem to serve any purpose.
OBI-SON : A plot contrivance, Master.
INT. THEED - PALACE - HALLWAY TO THRONE ROOM
A WINDOW IN THE HALLWAY BLASTS APART. STARLIGHT, CAPTAIN D.M. ALA, AND HER SOLDIERS CLIMB INTO THE HALLWAY. THEY HEAD FOR THE DOOR TO THE THRONE ROO. SUDDENLY, TWO DESTROYER DROIDS SKITTER IN FRONT OF THE DOOR. STARLIGHT TURNS AROUND AND SEES TWO MORE APPEAR AT THE FAR END OF THE HALLWAY, TRAPPING THEM IN THE MIDDLE. STARLIGHT THROWS DOWN HER PISTOL AND TURNS TO CAPTAIN D.M. ALA.
STARLIGHT : Damn it! We suck! We’ve been hanging around Star-Star too much!
CAPTAIN D.M. ALA AND HIS MEN THROW DOWN THEIR WEAPONS.
INT. THEED - POWER GENERATOR ELECTRIC BEAM - HALLWAY
THE ELECTRIC RAYS CYCLE AS DARI-DIUM SITS HUMMING U2 SONGS, DARTH QUID SITS PLAYING WITH HIS GAMEBOY, AND OBI-SON EATS A HAGGIS. THE WALL OF THE DEADLY RAYS TURN AWAY, AND OBI-SON STARTS RUNNING TOWARD DARI-DIUM AND THE DARK LORD. WHEN THE WALL BETWEEN DARI-DIUM AND DARTH QUID OPENS, DARI-DIUM IS IN A SPLIT SECOND FIGHTING THE DARK LORD WITH A FEROCITY NOT SEEN BEFORE. THEY MOVE INTO THE AREA AT THE END OF THE CORRIDOR CALLED THE MELTING PIT, A SMALL AREA THAT IS MOSTLY MADE UP OF A DEEP HOLE. THE ELECTRON RAY GATES BEGIN TO CLOSE. OBI-SON TRIES TO MAKE IT TO THE MELTING PIT BUT IS CAUGHT ONE GATE SHORT. HE SLIDES TO A STOP JUST BEFORE HE HITS THE DEADLY ELECTRON FIELD.
DARI-DIUM and DARTH QUID battle around the melting pit as An amused
OBI-SON watches. DARTH QUID catches DARI-DIUM off guard. The DEV makes a quick move, bashes his flamesaber handle into DARI-DIUM's chin, and runs him through. DARI-DIUM slumps to the floor in a heap.
DARI-DIUM : WTF? I thought I was the lead character! Who’s going to star in the next episodes?
HIS EYES FALL ON THE BORED LOOKING OBI-SON
DARI-DIUM : Nooooooo!
EXT. NABOO GRASS PLAINS - DAY
THE GUNGANS HAVE BEEN OVERRUN. STAR-STAR AND GENERAL CEEL ARE HELD IN A SMALL GROUP WITH OTHER OSOLDIERS.
STAR-STAR : Dissa bad, berry bombad.
GENERAL CEEL : Star-Star?
STAR-STAR : Yessa?
GENERAL CEEL : Mesa haten yousa.
INT. THED - PALACE THRONE ROOM - DAY
STARLIGHT, CAPTAIN D.M. ALA, and SIX OTHER OFFICERS are brought by TEN BATTLE DROIDS before NENRO and STARGAZER and FOUR NEIMOIDIAN COUNCIL MEMBERS.
NENRO : Your little insurrection is at an end, Your Highness. Time for you to sign the treaty...and end this pointless debate in the Senate.
STARLIGHT : You smell like prawns.
CLEAR DRESSED LIKE THE QUEEN APPEARS IN THE DOORWAY WITH SEVERAL TROOPS. SEVERAL DESTROYED BATTLE DROIDS CAN BE SEEN IN THE DISTANCE.
CLEAR : I will not be signing any treaty, Viceroy!
NENRO : After her! This one is a decoy!
SIX OF THE DROIDS RUSH OUT OF THE THRONE ROOM AFTER SABE. NENRO TURNS TO STARLIGHT.
STARLIGHT SLUMPS DOWN ON HER THRONE AND IMMEDIATELY HITS A SECURITY BUTTON THAT OPENS A PANEL IN HER DESK OPPOSITE CAPTAIN D.M. ALA.
STARLIGHT GRABS TWO PISTOLS, TOSSES ONE OF THE TO CAPTAIN D.M. ALA AND ONE TO AN OFFICER. SHE TAKES A THIRD PISTOL AND BLASTS THE LAST OF THE BATTLE DROIDS.
THE OFFICERS RUSH TO THE DOOR CONTROL PANEL AS STARLIGHT HITS THE SWITCH TO CLOSE THE DOOR. THE OFFICER AT THE DOOR JAMS THE CONTROLS. CAPTAIN D.M. ALA THROWS MORE PISTOLS TO THE OTHER GUARDS.
STARLIGHT : Now, Viceroy, this is the end of your occupation here.
NENRO : I can’t believe we fell for that!
INT. THEED - POWER GENERATOR - MELTING PIT
OBI-SON : Thanks for killing my master. I can’t help but feel he was holding me back emotionally.
AS THE PULSING ELECTRON GATE OPENS THE DEV LORD ATTACKS HIM.
OBI-SON : Woah! You want me dead too? Damn it! I thought this was just between you and the weirdy beardy!
THE DARK LORD IS RELENTLESS IN HIS ASSAULT ON THE YOUNG GAT GOD.
OBI-SON AND DARTH QUID USE THE FORCE TO FLING OBJECTS AT EACH OTHER AS THEY FIGHT. DARTH QUID SEEMS TO HAVE THE UPPER HAND AS OBI-SON GROWS WEARY. DARTH QUID CATCHES OBI-SON OFF GUARD, AND KNOCKS THE GAT GOD INTO A BIG PIT. HE IS BARELY ABLE TO HOLD ONTO A NOZZLE ON THE SIDE OF THE PIT. DARTH QUID GRIN EVILLY AT OBI-SON AS HE KICKS OBI-SON'S FLAMESABER DOWN THE ENDLESS SHAFT.
DARTH QUID : Didn’t you ever read Lewt Warz? One of us was doomed to fall into this hole!
INT. NABOO STARFIGHTER - COCKPIT - FEDERATION HANGER
NEVETS PEEKS OVER THE EDGE OF THE COCKPIT TO SEE BATTLE DROIDS SURROUNDING THE SHIP. HE DUCKS BACK DOWN.
NEVETS : Uh oh. This is not good.
NEVETS FLIPS THE SWITCH AND THE ENGINE STARTS. HE FLIPS ANOTHER SWITCH AND THE SHIP LEVITATES. THE DROIDS SHOOT, BUT THE LASERS ARE DEFLECTED BY NEVETS'S SHIELDS. DB-JEMZ2 BEEPS. NEVETS FIRES LASERS AS THE SHIP BEGINS TO ROTATE.
NEVETS : Take this!
HE PRESSES A BUTTON AND LAUNCHES TWO TORPEDOS WHICH MISS THE DROIDS.
NEVETS : Dang...I missed!
THE TWO TORPEDOS FLY DOWN A HALLWAY AND EXPLODE INSIDE THE REACTOR ROOM.
NEVETS : Oh, I meant to do that.
HE ACCELERATES OUT OF THE HANGAR
INT. NABOO FIGHTER - COCKPIT - SPACE
BRAVO NEWF WATCHES IN AMAZEMENT AS THE FEDERATION BATTLESHIP STARTS TO
EXPLODE FROM THE INSIDE OUT.
BRAVO REKKANO : What's that?? It's blowing up from the inside.
BRAVO NEWF : I don't know, but let’s say we did it!
EXT. NABOO GRASS PLAINS - DAY
SUDDENLY, ALL OF THE DROIDS BEGIN TO SHAKE UPSIDE DOWN, RUN AROUND IN
CIRCLES, THEN STOP. THE GUNGANS CAREFULLY MOVE OUT TO INSPECT THE FROZEN DROIDS. STAR-STAR PUSHES ONE OF THE BATTLE DROIDS, AND IT FALLS OVER.
STAR-STAR : Theysa broked!
GENERAL THEEL TAKES ONE OF THE DROID’S WEAPONS AND AIMS IT AT STAR-STAR. GUNGAN OBBI RUNS OVER TO HIM
GUNGAN OBBI : Wassa yousa doin General?
GENERAL THEED : Wesa can sayen dee mekaniks did eet!
GUNGAN OBBI : Goods idean!
THEY TURN TO SEE THE FORM OF STAR-STAR RUNNING FOR THE NEAREST HILL
GENERAL THEED : So closa...
INT. THEED – POWER GENERATOR
OBI-SON IS STILL HANGING IN THE PIT. THE DARTH QUID SMILES AS HE GOES IN FOR THE KILL. AT THE LAST MOMENT, OBI-SON JUMPS UP OUT OF THE PIT, CALLS DARI-DIUM'S FLAMESABER TO HIM, THROWING DARTH QUID OFF. THE YOUNG GAT GOD SWINGS WITH A VENGEANCE, CUTTING THE DEV DOWN. DARTH QUID FALLS INTO THE MELTING PIT TO HIS DEATH.
OBI-SON : That was surprisingly easy!
OBI-SON RUSHES OVER TO DARI-DIUM, WHO IS LYING BY THE PIT.
OBI-SON : Master! Master!
DARI-DIUM : It is too late...It's...
OBI-SON : You’re still alive?
DARI-DIUM : I think I’ll be fine, I can return to train you.
OBI-SON QUICKLY GRABS HIS FLAMESABER AND FINISHES DARI-DIUM OFF
OBI-SON : Not bloody likely...
INT. MAIN HANGER - COURTYARD - DAY
THE LARGE, GRAND CRUISER OF THE SUPREME CHANCELLOR LANDS IN THE COURTYARD OF THE MAIN HANGER. CAPTAIN D.M. ALA AND TWENTY TROOPS GUARD NENRO LAPOR AND STARGAZER. OBI-SON, THE QUEEN, AND HER HANDMAIDENS STAND BEFORE THE NEIMOIDIANS.
STARLIGHT : Now, Viceroy, you are going to have to go back to the Senate and explain all this.
CAPT. D.M. ALA : I think you can kiss your Spam franchise goodbye.
NENRO : You’re kidding right? This was all organised by...
STARGAZER : Umm, sir?
NENRO : Him! Stargazer! I was a helpless pawn!
STARGAZER : Oh, you suck.
THE MAIN RAMP OF THE CRUISER IS LOWERED AS OBI-SON AND CAPTAIN D.M. ALA LEAD THE VICEROY AND HIS ASSISTANT TOWARD THE SHIP. THE GRAND CHANCELLOR XAHN AND SEVERAL REPUBLIC GUARDS DESCEND THE WALKWAY, FOLLOWED BY BALDBRIT AND SEVERAL OTHER GAT GOD MASTERS.
STARLIGHT : Congratulations on your election, Chancellor. It is so good to see you again.
XAHN : Mwahahahaha! Power! I have power! I’ll crush you all!
STARLIGHT : What did you say? I’m sorry, this ridiculous headdress is covering my ears.
XAHN : (shouting) I said it’s good to see you too!
INT. TURRET ROOM - NABOO PALACE - LATE DAY
THE SUN STREAMS INTO THE MULTI-WINDOWED ROOM AT A LOW ANGLE. IT IS NOT
QUITE SUNSET. BALDBRIT PACES BEFORE OBI-SON, WHO IS KNEELING IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM.
BALDBRIT : Confer on you, the level of GAT God Knight the Pantheon does.
OBI-SON : Yes! Now I can get rid of this stupid hairstyle!
BALDBRIT : Conditions there are. Boardwalker, your apprentice is.
OBI-SON : What? You said he wasn’t going to be trained!
BALDBRIT : Changed our minds, did we. Fickle we are. Training of the boy, Dari-Dium wanted. Respect his wishes, we will.
OBI-SON : Damn it! Well, alright, if it gets me the higher wage and benefits package.
BALDBRIT : Also, a mullet must you grow, and bushy beard will you wear.
OBI-SON : What?
BALDBRIT : Like a BeeGee will you look.
OBI-SON : Nooooo!
EXT. THEED - CENTRAL PLAZA - FUNERAL TEMPLE STEPS - SUNSET
DARI-DIUM'S BODY GOES UP IN FLAMES AS THE GAT GOD PANTHEON, THE QUEEN,
MASTERREEFT-BIBBLE, CAPTAIN D.M. ALA, THE HANDMAIDENS, AND ABOUT ONE HUNDRED NABOO TROOPERS, TWENTY OTHER GAT GODS, XAHN, OBI-SON (STANDING WITH NEVETS), STAR-STAR, BOSS RYDER, AND TWENTY OTHER GUNGAN WARRIORS WATCH. NEVETS LOOKS TO OBI-SON.
OBI-SON : He is one with the b33r, Nevets...You must let go.
NEVETS : I thought GAT Gods disappeared when they died.
OBI-SON : Good point. Hmm, maybe we shouldn’t mention that.
TO ONE SIDE, TEGHITE WINDU TURNS TO BALDBRIT.
TEGHITE WINDU : There is no doubt. The mysterious warrior was a Dev.
BALDBRIT : Always two there are....no more...no less. A master and an
apprentice.
TEGHITE WINDU : But which one was destroyed, the master or the apprentice?
BALDBRIT : I bet £5 it was the apprentice.
TEGHITE WINDU : You’re on.
EXT. THEED - CENTRAL PLAZA - DAY
A HUGE AND GAUDY PARADE IS GOING ON. GUNGANS DRUM BADLY AS SOLDIERS MARCH DOWN THE STREET. QUEEN DANCER, STAR-STAR, SUPREME CHANCELLOR XAHN, NEVETS, OBI-SON, MASTERREEFT AND THE GAT GOD PANTHEON STAND ON A PODIUM.
BOSS RYDER AND GENERAL CEEL APPROACH THE PODIUM, WATCHING STAR-STAR WITH MALICE. DANCER HANDS RYDER THE GLOBE OF PEACE.
BOSS RYDER : Wassa these? Wesa sacrificen unsa solders, an yousa only give ussa a glowee ball? Yousa guys sucken!
THE CROWDS CHEER UNCONTROLLABLY AS DANCER, OBI-WAN, NEVETS AND STAR-STAR ALL LOOK SMUG. XAHN STARTS TO LAUGH
XAHN : Mwahahahah! Mwahahahah! Mwahahahahahahahah! Hahahahacoughcoughcoucghcough! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
XAHN COLLAPSES WITH LAUGHTER
OBI-SON : He seems like a jolly fellow.
FADE OUT
THE END