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Memorable Quotations:
Volume 1
A - G
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| [On how to
remember the combination to the vault:] Gomez: Eyes, fingers, toes! two, ten, eleven! |
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| [They're
practising lifesaving:] Amanda: I'll be the victim. Wednesday: All your life. [About the new baby:] Gomez: He has my father's eyes. Morticia: Gomez, take those out of his mouth. |
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| [Hostage
holders make their demands:] Rex: 67 copies of "Moby Dick." Suzzi: The movie or the book? Rex: They made a book outta that? |
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| Striker: My orders came through.
My squadron ships out tomorrow. We're bombing the storage
depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We're coming in from
the north, below their radar. Elaine Dickinson: When will you be back? Striker: I can't tell you that. It's classified. Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital. Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it? Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now. Elaine Dickinson: There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane? Striker: Surely you can't be serious. Rumack: I am serious, and don't call me Shirley. |
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| Boy: Can I ask you a
question? Striker: What is it? Boy: It's an interrogative form of sentence, used to test knowledge. But that's not important right now. |
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| [Austin is
revived after thirty years in suspended animation.] Basil Exposition: The Cold War's over, Austin. Austin Powers: Well, finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh, comrades? Eh? Dr. Evil: Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers Scott Evil: What? Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him? Dr. Evil: I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death. Scott Evil: I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet. Dr. Evil: An evil vet? Scott Evil:: No! Maybe like work in a petting zoo. Dr. Evil: An evil petting zoo? Dr. Evil: My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15 year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy - the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really. Scott Evil: I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me. Therapist: He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that. Dr. Evil: No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily like his old man. Scott Evil: I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab! Dr. Evil: Scott, that hurts daddy when you say that. Honestly. |
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| Maxine: Meet you in Malkovich in
one hour. Craig: Can I buy you a drink, Maxine? Maxine: Are you married? Craig: Yes, but enough about me. [During sex] John Malkovich: Did you call me Lotte? Maxine: Yeah, do you mind? John Malkovich: No, not really. [During a job interview] Dr. Lester: Which of these two letters comes first, this one or this one? Craig: One of those is not a letter, sir? Dr. Lester: Damn, you're good. |
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| The Stranger: Do you have to use so
many cuss words? The Dude: What the fuck you talking about? |
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| History
Teacher: Who
was Joan of Arc? Ted: Noah's wife? |
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| Jake Blues: I ran out of gas! I got
a flat tire! I didn't have change for cab fare! I lost my
tux at the cleaners! I locked my keys in the car! An old
friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car!
There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT
WASN'T MY FAULT! Murph: Tell me a little about this electric piano, Ray. Ray: Ah, you have a good eye, my man. That's the best in the city Chicago. Jake Blues: How much? Ray: 2000 bucks and it's yours. You can take it home with you. As a matter of fact, I'll throw in the black keys for free. Elwood Blues: What kind of music do you usually have here? Claire: Oh, we got both kinds. We got country *and* western. Jake Blues: Book us for tomorrow night. Maury SlIne: Hold it, hold it. "Tomorrow night", what are you talking about. A gig like that, you gotta prepare the proper exploitation. Elwood Blues: I know all about that stuff. I've been exploited all my life. Police Dispatcher: Use of unneccessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers HAS been approved. |
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| [On being
awarded for being tardy the most:] Travis: I would like to say this. Tardiness is not something you can do on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness. I would like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school, the L.A. city bus driver who took a chance on an unknown kid and last but not least, the wonderful crew from McDonalds who spend hours making those egg McMuffins without which I'd never be tardy. Cher: Would you say I'm selfish? Dionne: No, not to your face. Cher: I want to do something for humanity. Josh: How about sterilization? Murray: Woman, lend me fi' dollas. Dionne: Murray, I have asked you repeatedly not to call me "woman". Murray: Excuse me, "Ms. Dionne." Dionne: Thank you. Murray: My street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression. Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking, but not necessarily in misogynistic undertones. Tai: Cher, you're a virgin? Cher: You say that like it's a bad thing. Dionne: Besides, the PC term is 'Hymenally Challenged'. |
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| Jay: See, all these movies take place in a
town called Shermer, in Illinois. And there's all this
fine bush running around, and we could kick all the
dude's asses because they're all whiney pussies. Except
Judd Nelson - he was harsh. But best of all, there was no
one selling weed. So I says to Silent Bob: "Man, we
could live phat if we were the blunt-connection in
Shermer, Illinois!" So we collected some cash we
were owed, and caught a bus. But when we got here, you
know what we found out? There is no Shermer in Illinois.
What kind of shit is that?! Fucking movies are bullshit! Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower. Jay: I can't wait to die. [About Jesus:] Rufus: What He really hates is the shit that gets carried out in his name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism. Serendipity: Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence. Bethany: You were martyred? Rufus: That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to death by a huge fucking rock. |
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| Rufus: Awfully decent of you to drop in today.
Do you realize our army is facing disastrous defeat? What
do you intend to do about it? Chicolini: I've done it already. Rufus: You've done what? Chicolini: I've changed to the other side. |
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Wanda: The central message of Buddhism is not
"every man for himself"! |
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| Kate: Are you okay? Seth: Peachy! Why shouldn't I be? The world's my oyster, except for the fact that I just rammed a wooden stake in my brother's heart because he turned into a vampire, even though I don't believe in vampires. Aside from that unfortunate business, everything's hunky-dory. Carlos: What, were they psychos, or...? Seth: Did they look like psychos? Is that what they looked like? They were vampires. Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don't give a fuck how crazy they are. |
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| Bo: You think we watch any of your movies,
Harry? I've seen better film on teeth. |
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| Egon: There's something very important I
forgot to tell you. Peter: What? Egon: Don't cross the streams. Peter: Why? Egon: It would be bad. Peter: I'm fuzzy on the whole good / bad thing. What do you mean "bad"? Egon: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light. Ray: Total protonic reversal. Peter: That's bad. Okay. Alright, important safety tip, thanks Egon. Ray: Listen! Do you smell something? |
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| Zack: It really didn't go as bad as it could
have. Adam: A girl is dead, Zack. Zack: I didn't say it went perfectly. |
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| Martin: You don't know my cat. It's very
demanding. Debi: "It"? You don't know if it's a boy or a girl? Martin: I respect its privacy. Debi: So, what have you been doing with your life? Martin: Professional Killer. Debi: Oh...you get dental with that? Martin: I'm a professional killer. David: Do you have to do post-graduate work for that? Mr. Newberry: What have you been doing with yourself? Martin: Uh, professional killer. Mr. Newberry: Good for you. Growth industry. Amy: What do you do? Martin: I work at Kentucky Fried Chicken. [Practicing before his
high school reunion] |
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| [Driving toward
an approaching train.] Phil: I'm betting he's going to swerve first. |
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