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How To Bluff Your Way In Sci-Fi |
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Science-Fiction, or Sci-Fi, is probably the easiest of all film genres to bluff your way into. The reason for this is simple: Apart from an elite few, no-one dares to contradict you or call your bluff, because it will make them look like sad low-lifes who have pictures of Uhura on their bedroom walls. However, this doesn't mean you can afford to get sloppy, as there's always the risk of a "Trekkie", or to give them their technical name "Sad Person" disguising themself as an acceptable member of society and infiltrating your group of friends. As you don't want to be rumbled at any point in your bluffing career, here are some handy hints:
1. Aliens: There is a simple rule of thumb for separating good aliens from evil aliens. The less human they look, the more likely they are to be nasty. For example: Spock from Star Trek has slightly pointy ears, but otherwise could pass for a double of the (almost) human, Leonard Nimoy. Therefore he must be nice, despite an attitude that would put a dampener on any party. Star Wars's Jabba the Hutt however, resembles a slug on steroids, doesn't speak the universe's true and proper language (English) and seems to have a problem with extra saliva. And sure enough, there he/she/it is throwing poor innocent smugglers, thieves and criminals to a large pointy-toothed monster. The reason for this distinction? Consider how many scenes the good guys are in compared to the bad guys. Then think about how long it takes to create an alien - either as a puppet or as a result of make-up three inches thick. Therefore, all you have to is remember this simple equation: Evilness is inversely proportional to number of physical human characteristics. Notable exception: Chewbacca - he may have looked like a corgie on growth hormones, but he was as friendly as he was hairy.
2. Spaceships: The heroes in all sci-fi films will utilise one of two kinds of spaceship. Type 1 is smooth, shiny and new. It will have the latest in weapons, shields and engines. It's so clean you could eat your meals off of it (although I don't recommend you do so, especially with soup) and a revolutionary computer, probably with a personality similar to that of either Daphne & Celeste (as Hobgoblin will attest they only have the one between them) or Tony Hancock. Unsurprisingly though, this kind of ship usually has at least one one catastrophic flaw. The engines may stall at crucial times, experimental weapons will blow up or the computer may manage to convince itself that it is a small dog named Cyril. These various problems normally lead to the film's climax - the crew may be boarded, or might be attacked by a monstrous Space-Goat. Typical names for these ships include "Star Eagle", "Sun Eviscerator" and other such impressive titles. The second type of starship is commonly referred to as a "rustbucket" at several points throughout the film, by both the crew, and any enemies they might encounter. This however, will be the bad guy's undoing. They'll underestimate it's capabilities and be caught out by some clever little trick or manouevre. The crew will be divided on the matter, the majority will complain loudly about big holes in the hull, bulkheads dropping on top of them, or the fact that they could be outpaced & out manouevered by a shopping cart with three dodgy wheels. The remainder of the crew (normally the captain and mechanic) will love the ship like nothing else (in fact the mechanic normally seems to have some kind of sexual relationship with the engine - who knows what goes on behind locked bulkheads?). They'll be convinced that it's the "fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy" or some other highly implausible claim. Repair crews may spend hours claiming that the engine is beyond all hope, but sure enough, when the shit hits the fan, someone will cross two wires and the ship will be miraculously saved. These ships are normaly named after a woman - "The Betty", "Mavis" or "Esmerelda". Notable exception: The "Nostromo" from Alien had both shiny and dingy compartments. This probably made it more realistic, but instantly forgettable to most.
3. Heroes: This used to be such a simple subject [nostalgic sigh...]. In the good old days, when sci-fi films could be made with sixty cents and a roll of tin foil, heroes were big, manly men. What they lacked in brains, they more than made up for in friction burns where their knuckles dragged on the floor. Normally blonde-haired and blue-eyed (a reference to the Aryan 'supreme' race perhaps? But that would be going in too deep - remember bluffers: stay as vague as you can), these now mostly extinct titans easily overcame even the toughest of alien invasions. They were typically seen swinging over vast chasms, wrestling with rubber monsters and carrying helpless, attractive, white-clad bimbos to safety. They brought one nefarious scheme after another to a grinding halt, their only obstacle being their lines. Slowly but surely, these musclebound mounds of action began to disappear, with the introduction of better special effects. All of a sudden, scientists became the heroes; they would spend days constructing weapon after weapon to try to destroy the Zarkonian battle cruiser hovering over Washington D.C., but it was only when the helpless, attractive, white-clad bimbo scientist was captured that one clever young professor would discover the alien's vulnerability to cheese and pickle sandwiches. These new heroes inspired literally dozens of impressionable children to become scientists, or at least until they saw their next action film. Am I alone in thinking that most people are as impressionable as warm wax? Never mind, you'll probably all have that opinion now anyway. It wasn't until Ridley Scott's Alien that the next revolution came. In a breathtaking move, a woman became the hero(ine) of a science-fiction movie. The part of E. Ripley was originally written for a man, but it seems that Scott was so impressed by Sigourney Weaver's tenacity, that he cast her in the lead role. Call me cynical(as most people do), but I thought that there was a slightly 'gimmicky' aftertaste to Alien. Don't get me wrong, it was a good choice, but maybe, just maybe it was slightly influenced by the "this could pull the punters in" factor. Ever since then, the role of the sci-fi hero has become ever more diverse. Protagonists have emerged despite sex, age, race, build, intelligence or even hair (or lack thereof). Physical disabilities, including blindness, autism and paralysis became either an advantage or a hurdle to cross at some point in the movie. Overall, that's a good thing, us ugly people deserve our chance to be heroes. Notable exception: None. Haven't you been reading a bloody word? Pay attention, or you'll never bluff convincingly. I just said that anyone can be a hero nowadays.
Well bluffers, that's just about all you'll need to know. Keep your comments as shallow as possible, and hopefully you'll keep your head above water. If you find yourself in a crowd of hard-core fans though, your only chance is to ask them all the question "Who was the better captain, Picard or Kirk?", and then run before the fists start to fly.