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How To Bluff Your Way In Girlie Films |
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Girlie films, also known as chick-flicks are becoming an ever increasing risk for discerning film viewers like you or I. There used to be a certain league of actors who only operated in these films, making them easy to spot and avoid. However, as these travesties become more popular, actors are attracted by ever increasing paychecks and a large female fanbase. Nowadays it's not uncommon to see Harrison Ford stooping to the levels you would have thought only Hugh Grant would dare to tread. Unfortunately, in order to endear themselves more to potential partners, many men have to sit through two hours of people pondering upon personal problems. They may hope that this makes them appear more sensitive, but the charade falls apart as soon as post-film conversation begins. How the hell are they meant to know how Quentin would have felt after Janet rejected his advances for the second time, when they were asleep from the opening credits? Well guys, your salvation lies here - broad generalisations and sweeping statements could be your only hope...
1. The Heroine. And the protagonist will be a woman, it's a fact. The lead actress will be extremely attractive, but with the help of bad make-up and a slightly out-of-date wardrobe, will represent the underdog in any situation the film may present. Why? Well, according to prejudiced stereotype number 233, women will be jealous of any person more attractive than themselves. It may be a mythological fact, but that doesn't stop Hollywood from believing it. However, the heroine will receive a makeover half an hour before the end of the film, in order to stun boss / old school rivals / old boyfriend / new boyfriend / random person she met on the street ten minutes ago. She'll spend the entire film wishing to be more beautiful, before realising that beauty is on the inside. Having reached this philisophical conclusion, and reached a Zen-like sense of tranquility, she will then go out and spend excessive amounts of her hard earned cash on the afore-mentioned make-over. The heoine's problems will always revolve around one thing: men. Some bitter or misinformed women may believe that this reflects reality, but you and I know that this is just another of Hollywood's little myths: men the cause of any problem? Don't make me laugh. Anyway, she will be obsessed with an old boyfriend, a new boyfriend, no boyfriend or too many boyfriends. Whereas a man in a similar situation would spend twenty minutes thinking the whole thing over before coming up with a solution of some kind (not necessarily the right one though), she will take eight months to talk it over with her best friend, her mother, an amiable ex-boyfriend and the two men she has sex with in the mean time before deciding to do nothing at all and waiting for the whole thin to sort itself out, which inevitably it does. Intuitive? I call it bloody lazy.
2. The Best Friend. This role used to be a kooky girlfriend with comedic problems, usually played by Carrie Fisher; at the moment however, a gay man is usurping this highly-prized position. Either way, certain constants remain: (a) The best friend will have all the best lines. Whether to put themselves, the heroine or a boyfriend down, the best friend will have a stunning array of one-liners to cut deeply into someone's heart (but in a funny way). (b) The best friend will have at least immaterial or unseen problem. This could be relationship troubles (but nothing that would overshadow those ofthe heroine), a bittersweet relationship with their mother or some other distraction which prevents them from talking to a distraught heroine at one point in the film. (c) The best friend must never, repeat never be better looking than the heroine, for obvious reasons (ignore this point if the best friend is homosexual male, who provides eye candy for the double X'ed chromosomed audience whilst simultaneously endearing himself to them with his wit and charm). Note: This role of a tragi-comic companion will normally provoke at least one "Aaah..." from any average female. Be warned, so you don't snort in contempt at the same moment.
3. The Boyfriend(s). If not yet married, the heroine will be looking for "The One" - their perfect soulmate. This man will be the answer to all their problems, fulfill their dreams, understand her perfectly, love children, give money to the right charities, cure cancer and leave the seat down. Oh, he'll be improbably good-looking as well (just a minor point, but one well worth making). However, in the mean time, they'll throw themselves at the mercy of approximately three male stereotypes, and then complain bitterly when it all goes wrong. They'll come into 'close' contact with at least one man with some of the following qualities: insensitive, perverted, geeky, embarrasingly short, embarrasingly tall, boring, badly dressed, married-with-kids or just plain ugly. After this bad experience, the heroine will swear off men forever, until one day... she has an epiphany. "The One", will 90% of the time, be either a close friend or the guy she rejected at the start of the film because she wanted a man with curly brown hair instead of the straight, black variety. This man must be acceptable not only to the heroine, but to the Best Friend (who realised the truth from the start) and most importantly the audience. How are they supposed to believe that he's "The One" unless they want him too?
Finally, here is a list of actors and scenarios
commonly associated with the girlie film:
A country girl in the big city.
Man with english accent (if american film) or scottish accent (if
english film).
Recently separated woman tries to get "back in the
saddle" after long period of moping.
Gwyneth Paltrow.
A hippie-friend.
Crying.
Death of family / friend / pet, provoking new, livelier outlook
on life.
Gwyneth Paltrow crying.
A happy ending. (A question: if you ever see Sliding
Doors, can you please tell me if you consider the
ending to be happy or sad? Thanks.)
A moral.
Good luck out there guys, you're going to need it.