I'm an up and coming slasher, with three successful films behind me. In fact, it could be said that I single handedly brought this particular genre back from the dead. Using post-modernism and a knowing wit, Scream and the two sequels are now some of the highest grossing films of all time. Lines such as "Do you like scary movies?" have now integrated themselves into western culture to such a degree that they may transcend time, as Clark Gable's famous utterance in Gone With The Wind has, leaving me an immortal figure of fear and facetiousness. Combined with Wes Craven's long-standing fame, such a fate would most certainly not be out of the question. The ingenuity and non-conformity of Scream, left audiences returning to the cinemas in droves, and the trade in the videos and DVDs has been impressive to say the least. In fact, I believe it would be safe to say that my image will be retained in the minds and hearts of at least one generation of movie goers. Yet I am perturbed.

Scary Movie has recently been released. It's a parody of many popular modern movies, including I Know What You Did Last Summer, American Beauty, The Sixth Sense and American Pie. Yet it's dominating influence is undoubtedly my magnum opus - Scream. It would not be an exaggeration to say that large sections of dialogue have been repeated, ideas and concepts stolen, even the epithet itself is a copy of Scream's working title. It openly mocks all the cliches without so much as a respectful nod at the subtle and knowing humour that graces my finest work, showing themselves to be the fools in respect to this particular subject. And yet, the gross takings of Scary Movie's opening weekend easily put those of Scream into the shade. I am not so shallow or crass as to believe that money is the dominating factor in fine movies, yet am I to accept that the great American public prefer foul physical buffoonery to whimsical and intelligent humour? That dirty jokes and crude stereotypes eclipse exquisitely tuned timing and finely detailed characters? And above all: do they prefer watching works of art being knocked, mocked and ridiculed to the art itself?

I believe that Scary Movie is now threatening my future. Rather than a respected, idolised and loved timeless icon of fear and wit, I will become an overused, washed-out Hollywood cliche. My image will adorn a thousand lunch-boxes before finally being discarded like some child-star who has just started shaving (remember what happened to Shirley Temple?). As one of the masters of the slasher genre, your masked face will forever be remembered. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre may have spawned a thousand copy-cat movies, yet none of them even challenged your crown. Decades on, people who weren't even born when you represented a living force of evil now worship you as a favoured anti-hero. I too wish to achieve this status, yet Scary Movie has put my chances in jeopardy. What should I do?

Yours respectfully,

Ghostface.

Hhrrrnnnn, rrrnnn, eeeeeee, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnrrrrrrnnnnn ahyarrn, [high-pitched squeal], uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhgggg yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggg, ffffffssssssssssssssnnnnt. Gyyyyyyyyynt, grrrrrrrrrnt, yaaaarrrrrrrg, [high pitched squeal] hhhhnnnnn. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrn hrrrrrrrhrrrrrrrrrn, uuuzzzza, cuzzzzza, chjaark.

Back to top

I wonder if you could help me sir. As a typical fine young American, I was pondering upon my future and position in society. I want to serve my country in the best way possible, yet achieve the American dream (I want to go into business for myself and crush my rivals into the ground, rendering them impoverished and forced to eat their own children for vital protein). To this end, I have decided to become a hitman and follow your example from Grosse Pointe Blank. Do you have any advice?

Yours truthfully,

Anxious of Washington

Do you know what you're letting yourself in for, son? It took me ten years to get where I am today, not even doctors have to train for so long. You have to be prepared to drop any incredibly boring girlfriends you may have, as well as abandoning your mother. This means that when you return years down the line, you'll be able to explore lost relationships, and suffer brief pangs of guilt when you realise the aforementioned mother is now a pistol short of a brace.

It's not all glamour, you know. The years with the army involve crawling through mud, dirt and indescribable filth in: camos! Harsh but true, you're forced into unfashionable clothing that you wouldn't be seen dead in, and they expect you to hang around? Luckily, you'll be able to go into business for yourself afterwards and wear some of the best clothes you'll ever come across. Especially black suits. Heads will turn to watch you, the coolest assassin in town, keeping a "low-profile" in the latest designer outfits. Suave and sophisticated, you'll be able to murder, mutilate and maim whilst stunning your prey with the finest Gucci or Hugo Boss that money can buy. As long as you're aware of these risks, and can avoid spilling soup over your pride and joy, I couldn't recommend any profession more.

Back to top

As comfortably established Hollywood filmmakers, I wonder if you could advise me on how to further my own career. I continually write scripts and pitch them to the studios, but they repeatedly tell me that now is not the right time, or that they can't find a director that could do it credit. I'm wondering where to go from here, is my dream worth pursuing?

Yours desperately,

Up & Comer

Son, we can see your problem & it's a lack of confidence. Don't bow to studio mentality, all they know about are high budget, average build, low quality, straight, non-offensive, overrated, star-studded, unchallenging movies with no appeal to the wider audience. Oh sure, the audience may say that they want more Independance Days, Jurassic Parks & Tarzans, they may even think that; but what they really need, deep down are surreal, incomprehensible films that slowly make less sense when viewed repeatedly. Take Barton Fink for example, do you think we would have got anywhere if people had understood this? Dear Lord, no! We guess that approximately 0.3% of our audience fully comprehend exactly what we're doing. So how do these films still make money? We've come to know it as the ignorance factor: in order to seem educated & deep, people will go to our films and pretend to understand them. They'll then tell their friends about it & convince them to see it too, with a warning that it's "a little bit challenging, you may not understand it all". Well, you can imagine where it goes from there!

Don't accept those feeble excuses from the studios, there is no wrong time to make any movie. Except Batman & Robin. Force them to make your movie when you want it. As for the directorial issue, we get round this by doing the whole thing ourselves. By writing, directing & producing our films, we don't have to explain them to anyone (a bonus in Hollywood, aka slackjaw central).

Just remember kid: keep them weird, keep them overlong & keep the same actors in each and everyone. It's just easier that way.

Back to top

I have been trying to change my image for some time now, as I am fed up of people taking me at face value, and judging me only on my clothes. For the past four years I have been stereotyped as a sports fan just because of the way I dress.

Unfortunately, even after I have covered myself in tattoos, dyed my hair a funny colour and sung lame rock songs in front of disaffected teenagers, no one seems to respect me as a rock chick.

How can I persuade people to take me seriously as a hard woman of rock?

Love Melanie.

The answer to your problem lies with one thing: bats. Sweet, crunchy bats.

If you are seen in public biting the heads off these furry creatures, no one will think to criticise you ever again. No matter how many musical or fashion mistakes you make in the future, your reputation as a rock 'n' roll psycho will be well and truly cemented.

Although, may I suggest that you pick an animal which will be more familiar to your younger target audience: hamsters, perhaps.

Hope this helps - good luck!

Ozzy xxx

Back to top

We need some help. For some time now my band and I have been touring the UK, and although the gigs have on the whole been well received, we just don't think we are challenging the audience as much as we should.

We tried doing away with any form of tune on our first album, and harshly restricted ourselves to only one triangle solo per song on the second, but it just doesn't seem to be enough.

What can we do to completely alienate our audience?

Mogwai

I'm sorry to tell you, but your music probably just isn't tuneless enough. You need to be strong and keep reminding yourself that only bands like Steps have melodies: the real music of this world doesn't need such superficial fripperies.

Have you tried doing away with popular instruments such as the guitar and drums, and playing your set entirely on a moog and a harmonica? The triangle solos are a good idea, but don't limit yourself to instruments - reverb from guitar amps can be just as inspiring.

Alternatively, I find that playing one chord for the entire duration of the gig always keeps the audience on its toes. A ninety minute wait for that vital chord change is incredibly fulfilling for a crowd.

I hope I have given you some ideas. Keep up the good work!

Love Jason.

Back to top

Hobgoblins & Eskimos