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The Bluffer's Guide to...
Nu-Metal
Is pop music finally on it's last legs? With the advent of Popstars and Westlife's continuing (and incomprehensible) success, it might well have a bit of life in it yet. Meanwhile, the new pretenders to pop's throne are queuing up waiting to take its place. And at the very front of the line are a group of kids dressed entirely in black (with the exception of the logos on the front of their long sleeved t-shirts), swinging from each others' ridiculously long key chains and mumbling about how misunderstood they are. These are the nu-metallers, and they've come to take on the world.
First off, lets get one thing straight. This is nu-metal. "Nu" being "new", no questions asked. If you have even heard of Black Sabbath then you are OLD and should be placed in a home, like the old fogey you are. Anyone daring to question the young 'uns choice to listen to third rate imitations of "Paranoid" rather than the real thing is STUPID and obviously hasn't been paying attention.
In the world of the nu-metaller, Fred Durst is God (or Satan, depending on which way you look at it). For the uninitiated, Mr. Durst is the lead "singer" with Limp Bizkit (sic). While his prolific use of obscenities and trivialising of issues such as misogyny and suicide are insulting to many, I personally take offence at his persistent use of a back-to-front baseball cap as a fashion statement.
This Bluffer's Guide intends to equip the reader with all the information they need to make an informed choice about the inclusion of nu-metal in their lives.
We make no apologies for bias on behalf of the writer.Be afraid, my friends. Be very afraid.
MusicThe most important aspect of the nu-metal movement is (allowing a margin for optimism) the music.
You are listening to a nu-metal song if three or more of the following appear:*
A quiet verse, followed by a loud chorus
A rap interlude
The word "hate" on more than two occasions
The only discernible instruments are guitars and drums
Sustained listening causes bleeding eardrums
A sum total of five or fewer power chords (discriminated from punk by a difference of two chords)
Sustained shouting/screaming on behalf of the vocalist
No noticeable string section
*Not definitive - it may be possible under a conspiracy of circumstance to mistake Maria Callas for nu-metal (Quiet verse/loud chorus, bleeding eardrums, sustained screaming). If in doubt, ask a 13 year old. In fact, don't. You probably won't get a response.
As with all forms of music associated with angst-ridden teenagers (see
The Bluffer's Guide to Miserablism), the lyrics are of paramount importance. It is through empathising with the raw emotions laid out by these words that one is able to learn about oneself. At an age of discovery and fear, the role of idols - particularly those involved in pop culture - is especially important. Idolisation of older members of society allows young adults to realise that they are not alone in the world, as their anxieties were faced and conquered by those they look up to.Below is included a representative sample of lyrics culled from popular nu-metal songs:
"Now I know y'all be lov'in this shit right here…people in the house put them hands in the air"
Limp Bizkit (Rollin)"If you live with apes man you gotta be clean"
Marilyn Manson (Beautiful People)"Shut up / shut up / shut up / shut up"
Linkin Park (One Step Closer)"Raaaaaaragh / aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrggggh"
Slipknot (Spit It Out)
Musical movements usually bring with them a new generation of clothing and accessories, and nu-metal is no exception (
see picture, left: mask optional, hand gesture essential).How to spot a nu-metaller at 20 paces (
disclaimer: this feature relies heavily on stereotyping): The person in question will probably be wearing a number of the following nu-metal fashion essentials: Baggy trousers - of the combat, rather than Madness, variety
Long key chain - usually not attached to either key or purse. May occasionally get wound around door handles or fellow nu-metallers
Long sleeved T-shirt - adorned with picture of wearer's favourite band, or a catchy slogan ("I am the God of f***" being a particular meaningless favourite)
Spiky/dyed hair - most likely hastily styled that morning (and coloured the night before)
Trainers - of the "fashionable" rather than "lived in" variety
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(Nu-Metal is not to be confused with the following:
New Acoustic, New Romantic, New Wave, New Wave of New Wave, New Grave)
The Bluffer's Guide to Miserablism
